Shining Thru

I was thinking about the movie Benjamin Button yesterday and I think one of the best parts of that movie is when he talks about how the girl he loves would have never broken her leg had anything that day gone differently…I have thought about this concept before, about how a string of events just peels out and effects so much more than what that one or two people see directly.   I think that the movie shows the concept very well, about how people you don’t know and events that you don’t know took place, can still effect your entire life.  It’s crazy to think about all that can effect you that you have absolutely no power to control.

Emotions wont go away

You can’t bend them at will

You can only ignore them for so long

The love you feel today will be there tomorrow

Feelings may lie, but they’re there just the same

Don’t fight them, Just enjoy the feeling of being alive

I don’t believe anyone can force anyone else, or even themselves to care about anyone or anything….you can threaten, entice with rewards, and everything else, but you can’t force anyone to truly care about anything.  I sometimes wonder if caring is a learned behavior for some people….I think that it should be instinctual for most people, but maybe it’s not….maybe some people have to be taught how to be a caring person.  I know some people have to be taught tact and sensitivity to others…but those are not the same thing as truly caring about someone or something.  I think that you either care and love something or someone or you don’t…I don’t think there is a whole lot of middle ground as far as true feelings go.  Can one feeling turn into another feeling, of course…but as far as just making someone care because YOU want them to…it’s pointless to try.  So why do some people try to change the feelings of other people?  Feelings are what they are an we can’t change them, we  can only control the reactions to feelings that you show people.  If the feeling of care and love are not there….I wonder if they ever will be.  And just the opposite, you have the feelings of love and care for someone or something, I don’t believe it’s very likely that it will ever be gone.  You can live in denial about it, you can try to ignore it, but it’s there all the same….

Running and crying

Stopping only to cough

Up the Gatorade

I drank during the game

A heavy rain falls

And visibility decays into sureality

I cough and I cry

Losing myself in the rain,

And the grip on my new hat

- it had never really fit –

slipping and skinning both elbows

dropping my bat

it never could hit

the ball into the gap

that big, green hole in right field

that everyone could see but me

so I keep running

hatless in the rain,

a loser in a bloody new uniform,

rain-soaked,

chugging home

like a riverboat

caught in a gale

barely staying afloat,

crying, running,

trying not to choke

or slip again on the pain.

Life is full of surprises

So many things you can’t control

Sometimes it turns into a whirlwind

Nothing you can do to stop the spinning

Nothing you can stop from the blur of colors

Can’t focus on the objects, only smeared colors

so many things that you can’t grasp or control

so many things just out of reach….

Why is it that we tell the younger generation that they need a good education and that’s the only way to get anywhere in life…but then we don’t provide a good education for everyone.  Equal opportunity is a lie that we like to spread along with “the American Dream”.   I really think it’s pathetic that I live in a state that has a strip of schools and communities referred to as “the Corridor of Shame”.  How are these kids suppose to value education if they go from a home that can barely keep the lights on to a school that is literally falling down around them?  Schools with condemned auditoriums and leaky roofs in the hallways and gym are completely unacceptable.  How can we expect kids to get ahead when these are the types of places we are putting them in and want them to get an education in.  Many schools across America do not have updated books, or enough money to buy books for every student…students then have to share, which limits homework, which limits their preparation time…A school where you need an umbrella to walk through the hallway is disgusting and I think it’s about time that people started taking notice and did something about it.  I don’t think these issues should be ignored simply because it is not the situation that our congressmens’ kids and grandkids have to deal with…they are all in fancy private schools I am sure.  Because our Representatives don’t have to see it and deal with it every day, the problem gets ignored.  The people in government will tell everyone in the US and other countries that they provide equal opportunity to all citizens, and that is simply a lie.  The kids at the schools with leaky roofs and ten year old textbooks do not have the same chance at a decent education as a student who lives in a rich suburb.  How we fund schools is a scam….Schools that are out in the middle of nowhere in the country, or in the poorests parts of the inner city get far less than any school that has a business near by to pay property tax.   We need to stop lying to everyone and face reality…America has its problems and education is one of them.

Death is a part of life that effects everyone differently; some people fear death, while others long for it, some experience the death of others as a part of their job and see it every day, while others can’t bare to watch a movie that has a death scene.  Some people can experience the death of someone close and celebrate because they believe they are in a better place, while others weep and are never the same because part of their soul was just torn away.  Death can take its time in coming, or come suddenly unannounced….Natural death is not something that we have control over.  We can bring death sooner, but we can only hold it off for so long.  Death comes to us all, no matter how rich, or how poor, it is part of our lives and it has to be dealt with at some point, it’s not going to go away if you ignore it. 

I think it’s odd that some people think they know how you should react to a death of a loved one…the steps of grief, as if everyone is wired the same and will have the same emotional responses to everything….although granted most people go through the steps in one way or another, just because it’s not reflecting your idea of what should be happening, does not mean that that person should not feel the way they feel, and should not deal with death in their own way.  As in all things in life, I hate that our society wants to criticize or critique the way some people feel or react…as if they can help those things.

What has happened to the classics in our society?  Movies, books, stories……the younger generation seems to have absolutely NO appreciation for the classics.  If the movie or book, or story does not relate directly to them or is from another generation, or is in black and white, or is even hard to understand with larger vocabulary or words that are not used often in today’s slang and texting world; kids today don’t want anything to do with it.  IF an idea is challenging and you have to look for a deeper meaning or appreciation for the craft of a creative work…the kids don’t want anythign to do with it….the “Give Me” generation is catching up with our society in most things.  Kids today what things directly handed to them, no working for it, no trying to figure it out…just handed to them.  Not only are we no longer teaching our children to earn what they get, or that hard work results in something, or that there can be great satisfaction in figuring things out for yourself and solving a great problem that you have been working on for days….great satisfication in figuring out the deeper meaning of the story, and working hard and earning what you get.  We are also not providing the younger generation with the chance to feel that satisfaction of really accomplishing something.  I also feel that we are doing them a great disservice by not exposing them to the classics and letting them continue on with the brainless things that have become the “cool” things.  These kids will not be ready for college, they do not have realistic goals….There are high schoolers that want to be doctors and lawyers but refuse to do their high school classwork and some never do any homework….these kids have got to be taught that not everything is handed to them in life…they are not entitled to anything.  These kids are going to have a hard time when they enter the world beyond their parents’ house…if they ever get to that point.

“I love you”  three little words that can mean so much or so little.  In some weird way I feel like our society has idolized and demeaned at the same time.  I love you can be the most important words you say in the world, if the feelings are really there…maybe you are madly in love with someone, maybe you are married to someone, you can love your boyfriend, husband, wife, girlfriend, child, mother father…..Unfortuntely the word “love” can also be used in our society for anything from getting someone into bed, to your favorite food, or your car or even just an idea….we use the word “love” so freely.  I wish our language was like Latin where they have several different words for “love”   to distinguish between the different types and levels of love. 

I have met someone who actually cares about those words…and hearing them means something to the people that he chooses to say them to….it makes them feel special.  Until recently I didn’t understand how special those words could make me feel.  I really treasure those words from this person because he doesn’t use them at random for random things…it means something.  I wish that the rest of our society would follow suit.  I think we need things to make us feel special.  I hope everyone has something that makes them feel special that comes from outside of themselves.  Having self confidence is great and knowing that you are special no matter who else or what else is in your life, is half the battle in my opinion; however, I think it’s also important to be able to experience those other things in life that give you a warm fulfilling feeling.  I am so happy to know real LOVE in my life right now.

My friend said to me today “Life is all about self-confidence.”  I would agree with that to some extent, I would at least agree that having self-confidence, or the lack there of, definitely reflects in most parts of your life…your career, love life, social life….etc.  Having self-confidence can really change your life, and I can say that from experience.  I use to lack confidence in myself to the point where I didn’t have much of a social life or love life…I’ve always felt pretty confident in the work field, which is fortunate because no matter what I’ve been able to make a pretty good impression in the work field.  But having a career is only so fulfilling….

I think it’s important to distinguish between arrogance, the impression of confidence, and actually being comfortable with yourself and sure of yourself.  I think in a social/love life it is important that you know who you are and are comfortable with that before you bring other people into the mix at least in any type of serious way.  I think arrogance generally comes from the lack of self confidence and people overcompensating; and lets be serious, nobody likes anyone who thinks they are the end all be all, gift to the earth and can do no wrong.  If you are only giving the impression of confidence, it will catch up with you, people can pick up on your uncertainties, or you will simply come off as arrogant, and once again, nobody likes an arrogant person. 

It is very important to always portray confidence in the work place though, and I know that sounds contradictory, but it shouldn’t surprise anyone.  There are different rules for everything in life, this is no different.  I think you will be much more successful to always seem confident in your career…nobody wants to promote or even hire (in most cases) someone who seems unsure.  You could be the most qualified person, but if you don’t believe that and let the confidence of that knowledge shine through, your chances have just shrunk a great deal.

I guess what I’m saying in all of this, is that my friend was right, and self confidence is important in life….you can still exist but who knows to what quality of life you will have your existence until you simply die out and disappear off the radar……