Shining Thru

Looking into a world you want to belong is like finding a window that has been shuttered and forgotten.  Something that has been bricked in so that no one can use it any longer.  Something that you know is there but is out of reach.  A secret that is carefully guarded.  Maybe a window that has been shuttered, but has a beautiful painting covering it to avoid suspicion.  Nobody bothering to look beyond the outer shell that covers the true purpose of the wall.

You wish you could find the way out the window and into the world you know is laying out there just waiting to be made into your path in life.  Getting a glimpse out the cracks of the shutter or as the curtain is blown to the side.  A beautiful landscape awaits the stories to be written on the hills.

Tired of wondering and wanting the real thing.  Tired of the secret window, unable to get a good look.  Once you sneak a glimpse you want to be able to run free in the sight.  You want to be in the picture and not staring at it through the cracks in the wall.

You might get hurt prying the window open but at least you wont be sneaking glimpses when you’re able.  At least you wont be holding back the secrets, at least you’ll have a way to climb out into the beauty you know is waiting there.

Tomorrow my girl, my kids and I will board a plane for SC. I have no fear of anything save being the ‘random bag check’ or being fondled by some guard. I wear my military jacket because it’s the only jacket I own. It seems to make everyone around me feel better, like I’ll turn into Wesley Snipes if some freak does something stupid.

FYI: military anti terrorism training tells us specifically to avoid letting anyone know that we’re military. We’re supposed to hide our ID cards and travel like normal citizens. As a soldier, I don’t have any authority to arrest or detain anyone. I’m also not trained for it. If you need someone to flashbang and clear a building, I can do that. You need a firewall installed or your Cron jobs scheduled, I got you. If you need someone to make a snap judgment and save the airplane – I’m not better at it then your average joe… save that I’m probably more like to use deadly force if I think my kids are in danger. I enjoy all the free drinks I get on the flight. I like that people congratulate me for being in the army. other than that, you better hope there’s a US Marshall on the plane.

What if I did jump on someone? What if I guessed, incorrectly, that Ahmed was carrying an applejuice or breastmilk bomb? I’m going to jail. I have no authority to act or detain. There are no rules of engagement to protect me because I’m only supposed to engage under lawful orders. I’ve been trained on what I can do in the event of a terrorist episode… NOTHING. Asking a US soldier to detect a terrorist plot and save your plane is like asking a Chiropractor to perform open heart surgery. I’m not even staying at a Holiday Inn Express, so everyone is screwed.

Though if, as I mentioned earlier, I KNOW that John-Doe is about to do something, I’ll definitely jump on him. Of course, then Airport Security will prolly Rodney King my black ass.

More information for those that give a damn:
Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab got through the second best airport security in the world. What makes a person think he could not have gotten past the best? Why is it Obama’s fault? it wasn’t even our friggin air port.

In case you didn’t know: at Schiphol, for flights leaving the EU, there’s a separate screening setup — X-ray machine and metal detector — at *each gate*. The “security zone” is a glass-walled room from which you board your flight directly — and no other flight. So the security at your airport of origin _could_ be piss-poor, but you’ll still be screened to Dutch standards before you’re allowed to board an onward connection. (And the Dutch, when they do security, seem to have a chip on their shoulder about being insufficiently German.)

Here’s the real problem: Abdulmutallab managed to smuggle his IED through the most secure airport in Europe — far tighter than anything you get in the USA, probably second only to Tel Aviv.

Don’t blame Obama while the honorable senator from SC is blocking our President’s TSA nominee. DeMint equates unions with Satan. As long as he’s beefing with Obama over unions, we’ll be less safe. Don’t blame the security personnel that they didn’t grab this guy’s nuttz. I’m sure anyone who reads this could combine Google with their local Lowes and construct an IED that’d make it thru air port security. I made it thru with a lighter, 2 dollars in change and a diaper bag… Jee-zus, I could’ve burned someone and pelted the pilots with nickels.

Crushing in from all sides

You feel the tightening in your belly

Your head is pounding with suppressed secrets

Not knowing what is coming, like an animal trapped in a cage

Backed up against the wall of the unknown

Feelings that you can’t let out because of a secret life

Things in this life you don’t want to explain

Things that can’t be foreseen where they will go or how they will end

Looking for the next step

Tired of taking the back roads and stepping around

Creeping in your own skin, just to stay above

Not wanting to drown in your own emotions

Just hoping that logic will keep hold

The crushing weight continuing to pull down.

Unnecessary tension can make a place miserable to be in.  No matter how much fun you’re having on a visit or in a place, tension can make things so awkward that you simply don’t want to be there any more.

All of the questions asked and unasked can create a horrible tension that just wont let up.  You know that answers will only lead to more emotions…so do you leave the questions unasked or unanswered?  Or do you go ahead and let all of the secrets you’ve been keeping either intentionally or just by coincidence out and see what happens?

Either route you want to take there is such potential for a bursting of emotions…. do you go with what has already been taking place, at least you know how the tension is working out or do you go ahead and open up the flood gates because you’re tired of the secrets and the judgments?

Tired of having to act in secrecy and think about how you’re actions or words could ruin everything and make everyone’s life hard….How long do you go on living in tension waiting for things to explode…???

What do you do after the holidays when everything is cleaned up and you’ve visited with everyone that you haven’t seen in awhile, all of the presents are opened and most of them are being played with?  Now you’re missing the familiarity of home and your loved ones back at home.  Your own bed, kitchen, couch, etc….you find out that you miss the comfort of being in your own home.  Tired of living in someone’s guest rooms or several different guests rooms, moving from house to house to see all of the different people, family and friends.  If it’s out of choice or obligation, there comes a point that the visiting just gets tiring and you’re ready to be back at home.  It’s nice to see everyone and spend some time, but eventually it gets kind of old, even if you haven’t spent the whole holiday time with the same people.

What happens when you’re ready to go home.  You need to go back and do everything that you left undone at home.  Spend time with the loved ones from back at home.  Feel loved and happy in your own home.  Be held and able to relax around the town you have come to think of as home….

Red, Green, Yellow, and Blue; balls and stars glowing from the corner on the Christmas tree.  Presents piled under the low branches, surrounding the beauty of the tree.  Snow on the ground outside the window, reflecting the lights that are on the house and in the yard.  Santas on the corners.  People giving holiday greetings and smiles.  Relaxing nights at home with the family.

Then you turn on the news and see all of the people stuck in the airports or stuck in the snow somewhere.  Especially with the snow storms this year hitting in places that aren’t equipped to deal with the type of snow fall that has been happening.  Trees weighed down with the “dusting” of snow.  The power out because of the trees unable to stand up tot he weather that is coming down on them.  Long lines at the stores for all of the last minute shoppers.

There are good sights and bad when it comes to the holidays.  Some filled with love and others filled with frustration. The holidays bring out so many different sides to people and situations that we don’t see any other time throughout the year.  It’s always interesting to see how things will turn out each year.  Will you be someone looking for another flight to get home to the family or relaxing at home with some of the people that you care about and love?  Every year is different.

What creates a family?  I really don’t think that it is the blood that people share.  You can share the same blood as someone and not want anything to do with them, or maybe not even know that you are related, maybe never have even met.  I think that family is created between people who love and care about each other.  If it’s some friends or maybe people who took care of you and that you lived with for whatever reason.  Maybe it’s just a group of people who were thrown together in some unusual circumstances.  The blood running through the veins of a person does not create the person that they are, any more than it creates the person’s family or the group that they belong with.  Sometimes you simply fit with another person and they become your family.  You love and care about each other, support each other through the good and the hard times.

I feel bad for the people that constantly push away the people who simply want to love them.  Want to be there for them and give them a place to belong.  I think that some people are so afraid of being rejected or hurt if they let people be close enough to consider them family that they would rather just keep everyone at arms length and not give them the chance to get close enough to hurt them.  Sadly, sometimes people do get hurt by the people who they love the most, but without risking it, you may never know the love of a family.

The Holidays….How do you celebrate?  With friends?  Family?  Does it really matter or are you just happy to have the time off of work?  Do we remember why there is a holiday, or simply get caught up in the commercials, shopping, and Santa?  Trying to get here or there, on to the next obligation….Do we take the time to actually reflect on what we are doing or do we simply go through the routine of trying to make sure that we see everyone and make everyone happy by bring a fruit platter or fudge tins. 

Are the holidays something to look forward to any more or simply something that we have to go through and so we do our duty and meet all of our obligations…..Obligations of the holidays can stretch from buying gifts (which I personally get pleasure from) to making sure you see all of the relatives…even the ones you might not like to be around so much.  Do we see those people because it’s the spirit of the season, or do we do it because we feel obligated to do so.  Sometimes even when we look forward to seeing certain people, once we get there we keep looking at the watch, waiting for dinner to be over, the polite conversation, the amusing stories that really only entertain the person telling them….

Sometimes it can be different.  Sometimes the season can be full of delightful surprises.  I have to wonder at how much we hope for these instead of making them happen?  Sometimes I think that we put too much time into thinking about things and not enough time in simply enjoying what we have and what’s going on. 

Holidays….a time to rejoice and enjoy some relaxation with family and friends…or a time of obligations and misery… I guess that’s up to the person…

Intellect?  Where does it get you?  How can you puzzle through relying on blurry thoughts and logic? 

What causes someone to lose sight of what’s important?

To allow things to become hazy and confusing?

Not knowing where your life is going or what road you’re on…

In a sea of colorful balloons that explode in your face when they get too full….

Emotions that can only take on so much, a heart that is tugged at too often…worried and stressed…

All of your thoughts begin to hover in the air until they need rearranging…but what happens when you can’t latch onto them in time to get a grip on what they are?  What happens when you can’t even recognize your own thoughts?  Glimpses of clarity provide hope….Moments of loneliness and worry provide reality. 

What happens when your heart is torn in two?  Knowing that you are so happy with your traveling companion on the road of life, but also knowing that the stress is having its toll and proving plenty of detours and potholes.  Interrupting the smooth ride with the swerves and bumps. 

Maybe that’s what life is…an impossible logic puzzle.  Something that no amount of intellect will be able to uncover.  Sometimes you just have to go with it and hope for the best…..If feelings lie and intellect isn’t enough…what is left to go on except hope?  The knowledge that at least you know when you’re happy