Shining Thru

Isn’t it strange the things you pick up from the people you run across and interact with at different crossroads in your life?  Words, phrases, habits, gestures that you can trace back to exactly the person who influenced you, and you notice yourself still saying that one strange phrase or gesture years later…maybe you don’t even talk to that person any more but you can still remember that they were the one who got you saying some strange inside joke that you are now the only one around you that gets it.

I can still remember several people from years ago that I only talk to rarely now who left their mark on me.  Who have me still remembering silly phrases from late college nights or gestures of comfort that still strangely hold their soothing power today.  I think it’s interesting how certain words or gestures can hold their mental hold even after the connection is long gone.  Some things can still make you smile just by saying them, even when you’re the only one to get the joke.  Memories of things that make you smile from something that seems like a far off distant land…you wonder if the other people still remember these things the way you do.

For me, the places, gestures, and sill phrases are still pretty clear in my mind.  The things that helped to form me to who I am today can still be clearly traced back to another time in my life…and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

The weather is changing but so are the people around you, never knowing where things are going or what you’re going to get.  You keep on moving because it’s all you can do, move forward one step at a time and look around to see who’s with you on your journey in this world.  Not know if there is another you watch as the grass dies and the leaves change.  The temperature rises and falls.  Walking down the path as the leaves drift past you in their spiraling downward fall to the ground of the path that we walk along.  Walking on the fresh crunch of the leaves makes you wonder what will happen to you when you fall down and hear the rushing past you on the ground, not even taking notice of what’s there and what’s not.  People walking by and you feel like you’re in an invisible haze that isn’t seen by anyone else.  Everyone so intent on their plans that they can’t stop to take a look around, can’t stop to notice the change that is happening right in front of them, in this world that they are a part of and yet are so easily disconnected from.  Walking along you see the two paths collide with the beauty of the changing fall, not wanting to stumble you take your time…reaching out to your side for another hand you find the one who came along, maybe not the person  that you thought but someone who cared enough to notice that you were wandering away in the midst of all of this change.  The challenge of acceptance is among us as the weather tries to make up its mind, plunging around to confuse all of those caught up in the heat and the rush to those that are freezing and dying at night.  Walking along in this seasonal change, I have to wonder if I’m the only one that notices the yellow that use to be green.

The brush of your lips against my cheek,

Feeling you close I blush and try to contain the surge of emotion

The feelings running rampant all through my body as I tremble

Trying to keep control as I swell with the passion

The desire for you grows as you brush by me again

I whisper in your ear and am unable to hide my blushing smile

I love you and that’s all that’s clear in the haze of passionate emotion

The Butterfly floats to and fro

Fluttering from here to there

Happily enjoying the solitude of the moment

Entering the new life alone and flying on alone

Enjoy the sunshine but looking for more

Looking for something to share with another

The brightly colored insect flutters along the short journey given

The world an overwhelming undertaking as it is released from its restraints

But still it flies on, happy and carefree, enjoying all along the way

Always believing that whatever is missing will be found in this vast world

Leaving others behind and envious of its faith in true happiness that will be found

Found in another when the moment is right and they are both free of restraints

Moving forwards together from the cocoon and into the world to find the rest of life together

Never Knowing what is coming

Never Knowing where you’re going

Will it be a storm or rainbow that arises next?

Over the hill a startling shock or pleasant surprise

Life is full of things that we cannot possibly know of

Life, Love, Adventure, Heartache, Pain, and Freedom

All come with complications of this world

and the people in it.

The people that strive on emotional health

Even when that health comes from the suffering of others

Some people try so hard to stay in control, never accepting that there are things that we cannot possible dream of knowing.  I’m not sure why some people are so determined to know everything, have a list and a label for everything.  A place for everything, and everything in it’s place….and yet this is exactly what causes them so much pain and confusion when something goes wrong or unexpected.  The complications of this life have to be taken, chalked up to experience and allow the people to keep on movin.  No need to stop and dwell, what’s done is done, and can never be undone.  The experiences of this life, weigh heavily on our emotions and feelings, not to mention, if we allow, can over take our thoughts throughout the other every day events that we still have to make it through, no matter what has happened.  We can’t know what curve balls are going to be thrown at us, but we can deal with it and move on.  It’s amazing how these things can happen to us in both positive and negative ways.  If something bad can happen it can over take our thoughts and feelings, however, I think we sometimes forget that just as easily we can be consumed by passion and love and good surprises as well.

It’s amazing how tired you can get just from every day life.  I see people running from here to there with their children, have gooey, jelly finger prints on their back from where they carried their baby into the daycare that morning.  Tired circles under every one’s eyes, moving a long, up early from children, chores, or driving to work, gotta get there early and keep it moving.  It’s something our society has trained us as important….or at least with some people.  Some people don’t have a choice, they have to line everything up right and hope that nothing goes wrong, because one thing can throw their whole routine and therefore their whole day off.  The routines of our lives wear on us, bearing down the reality of life and responsibility.  It’s kind of funny when you’re little, very few children ever realize what kind of things their parents have to consider just to make the household work.  You can’t wait to grow up and be one of the adults and then we you become an adult, you long for the days that you could take a nap in the middle of the day and not have to worry about what chores and other things aren’t getting done in the meantime.
Being an adult and having to deal with everything that comes the way of your house or your job, no matter if you are directly involved or not…it is still something you have to deal with.  All of the decisions of every day life start to wear on you until you are distracted from the things that you like to do and enjoy about life because you are too caught up doing the different things that have to be done, and every time you cross one thing off of the list it seems like three more things get added.
It seems like there is just too much to do and not enough time to do it in, especially if you want any kind of social life, or just down time to relax.  In today’s society, I don’t know how some people balance everything that they are a part of along with the regular house chores and family life.  Some of these people have every family member in their household as a member or participant of three, four, five different things…plus school, work, church, etc.  That just seems crazy to me.  It’s hard enough for a single person to have a social life and keep up with work, much less someone with children.
As we move through life, growing up and figuring out that there are many more responsibilities than I ever thought possible as a little kid.  I didn’t realize at the time why parents worked long hours or multiple jobs.  So much is based around money and you have to have a side hustle just to make ends meet.
I have to wonder why we work so hard just to keep afloat in life, but we don’t really have a choice, or at least not options that most of us would choose when it comes down to working hard or being homeless…just just keep it moving and make the sacrifices on the personal level.

I’m rather sad that it turns out that all of those people who have always said, let it be known that the people you love the most can hurt you the most and I guess that is one of those lessons that sometimes a person has to learn over and over again for themselves the hard way before it sinks in.  Sometimes the most vivid and nerve wrecking pain comes from simply being forgotten, no dirty words, no violence, simply forgotten as if you never existed to them in the first place.  When you realize that, maybe, just maybe your idea of what the relationship you were involved in, no matter what that might  be, friendship, family, or romantic, when the thought comes crashing into your denial that just maybe you were wrong and that the other person never really cared about you, it’s like getting slammed up against a brick wall by a gust of wind.  Wind because you can’t touch it, it can’t hear you cuss it out, you don’t even really know if that’s what happened since there isn’t any evidence except the pain that you’re left feeling in the dark, deep despair.  On edge and anxious, not knowing what’s happening around you.  Are you being too clingy?  Expecting too much?  Or maybe, these thoughts that are seeping in have been the truth the whole time….is there any way to know?  To gain clarity?  All of these questions of WHY and no answers coming your way, you just want to know the truth, but you’re left lost in no man’s land…not sure what’s going on now, what’s really happened in the past, or where everything is headed for the future.  You wonder if you’re feelings are valid, or if you are in so far you can’t see that you’re being irrational.  You wonder if you’re going crazy.  You wonder if you can feel anything without breaking down.  You shut down so that you don’t explode from the pain.