Shining Thru

Left Alone

cnj222 — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 13:50:28 +0000

When we’re left alone, we’re left to wonder what if. The dark questions of destruction emerge from some hallow place deep inside of us. We start questioning things we know to be true. We start to question ourselves. How strong am I? Can I continue this? How long can I deal with this feeling of loneliness that seems to appear more and more. How long will I have tears to cry?

Sometimes needing this break from society for self reflection we isolate ourselves…not always happy with the unexpected surprises that we find buried in ourselves. Sometimes it’s not by choice that we find ourselves with no escape from the recesses of our mind. It’s like a free for all for the heart to ache and the mind to drown in it’s own questions and thoughts.

When out of the swimming chaos comes a moment of clarity, you latch onto it like a leach as if survival depends on it, and maybe your sanity does. Maybe it’s all you have left to keep you from being swallowed by the loneliness. Devoured in the heartache that fills your soul until your eyes overflow with tears. Until your mind clouds up with the darkness once again and you fall asleep into the abyss.

You Always Make Me Smile

cnj222 — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 01:25:54 +0000

You always make me smile, even when I’m hurt inside
When my blood is boiling hot and there is no reaching rational though
When I’m contemplating how my life has turned out and the path that I’m on
When I can’t stop with the what ifs, you always make me smile

You always make me smile, when you hit your silly moods,
You always make me smile, when you evaluate people’s attitudes
The self righteous, arrogant, self important, ignorant imposters
Do not stand a chance, against your stinging wit that hits fast from common sense.

Your comments, your smile, your laugh;
You make me smile.

Fairytales

cnj222 — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 03:42:59 +0000

Swimming through the endless sea looking for love, only seen once, the glorious beauty radiating off of her still in your mind.

Climbing the tower, the golden waves reflecting the suns warm rays, inviting you further into the dream land.

Tracking her smile through the woods, surrounded by magic and enchantment, refusing to stop until you find her.

Looking around, hearing the unfamiliar sounds, in the unfamiliar areas as you move quickly feeling the urgency.

Turning away for a moment and she disappears out of sight, she was just here, in your haze of infatuation with your new acquaintance, you lost her.

Stunned by the immediate feeling of yearning, protectiveness, loyalty, lust, and maybe even love….you move forward.

Awaiting you, lurking in the dank darkness are the witches, thieves, dragons, and other evil challenges…knowing this, you keep going.

Closing your eyes, you remember her eyes, her smile, her hair, her voice…smiling you walk on, on the path to what you now believe is your destiny.

Love you’re not sure will be returned, you hope it wont be unrequited, you hope it will be true, no time to stop and wonder you push forward, up the tower, deeper into the water, through the forest, seeking the lost love of a lifetime.

Arriving…it has to be, yes, now you see it is her, the one you saw only once before but felt the immediate connection to.

Pushing forward through trials and tribulations, the witch defeated, and the couple can swim into the sunset together, happy forever with the harmony in play.

Then the missing princess is found and the prince scoops her up in a loving kiss, and they are able to happily marry to continue ruling the country.

And then the dragon is defeated and the tower is climbed…..but nothing is there when he reaches the top. Emptiness….

Now what? Where is the happy ending? Where is the achieved impossible romance? Still out of reach.

Then the man pushes through the crowd, goes through the town searching, but only finds lookalikes and wannabes. Not the real thing….she’s nowhere to be seen…still….

Left with little option he trudges back to his life of luxury, the life everyone longs for….the life he wants to give up without her.

Where are the last two happy endings? Is this some type of trick performed by the fates? Or is this reality?

Why is it some people get the girl and some people are left alone, waiting, unable to break free of what they let slip just out of their grasp. The long golden waves that were there one minute and gone the next, the lost beauty with somewhere to run, somewhere unfound. Did they not try hard enough? Did they miss their opportunity and not deserve another? Why don’t they deserve the stratification for the ever longing feeling of lust and love?

The little moments

cnj222 — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:23:16 +0000

Walking on your journey, never sure what you will find

Sometimes you stumble upon happiness and joy

Sometimes anger and fear

You smile and keep on walking on

You laugh and keep the process moving

Happiness can be found anywhere

The little moments

The moments that make everything possible

The moments that make you forget the rest

It’s the moments that we live for and make life worth while.

Unsure

cnj222 — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 17:45:57 +0000

Unsure weather to broach the river that could swallow you up whole, Leave you gasping for breath under the current as you are swept away, but needing to know what’s on the other side. You face the choice of venturing forward or forever wondering. Even if you manage to put your mind on something else, a new adventure, the question will always be lurking in the back of your mind, and will come out every time you have to pass by the swift water’s edge. Unsure how to proceed, you hesitate. Look for guidance from somewhere, but no one is around. You are alone with your thoughts, questions……putting a toe in, you’re sure that you have made the right choice, and then a sudden splash distracts your determination….and makes you step back and think again. What if this is the end? What if there isn’t another chance to know, but what if by moving forward you remove all hope of anything else. Either way you’d never know, and would be left….alone with the wondering or alone under the current. Unsure of which is worse, the ending of time or the never ending wonder, you step forward again…..

Midnight Path

cnj222 — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 01:33:45 +0000

Walking down the cool midnight path, Looking into the inky darkness that is brightened by the mood and stars, Until the clouds slowly move in ad block the light…Keep walking in the blueish blackness of the blank night, wondering what lays ahead. Walking confidently as you know the way, you keep your head up and and pace moving like you can see where you’re going. Quick glimpses from the moon peaking out from behind the clouds give you quiet assurances that you haven’t lost your way. Walking, you know the distance isn’t far. Walking, you know you will get there in the end. Walking in the night there is a peacefulness that falls on your heart and mind as there is nothing to distracting you in the blanket of darkness that surrounds you. Walking in the comfort of midnight you pass one thing after another, alone on the path you know you can’t be disturbed, knowing the path and knowing the destination gives you a peace that evaded you during the day. In the day you can see what is around you and get distracted from your path. The Midnight path gives you a clarity that you can only find in the darkness.

I love you like the sunrise

cnj222 — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 01:16:55 +0000

I love you like the sunrise on a cool crisp morning

Brisk, sudden, and joyful as the dew hitting bare feet running across the morning lawn

Like the sunrise you bring a smile to my face, no matter previous feelings

No matter what the problem you always make me happy

Just seeing your face lightens my day

I feel the rays of our love shine through me

I can feel my face glow and eyes shine when I hear you come through the door

Your love is powerful and enduring just like the sunrise.

Stuck

cnj222 — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 23:21:05 +0000

Every feel like you’re stuck in the mud of life? Like the invisible force is just gripping onto your wheels and they just keep spinning. That’s a lot of effort not to see any progress forward, you can go and go for awhile, keeping hope alive that you’ll be able to get out, but sooner or later it will be apparent that this …is NOT working. But then what? This was the only idea you had….If you would have had a better plan, you would have tried that first…..so what happens when your plan for life gets turned around and upside down, what happens when you’re barely hanging on, and that’s just because there isn’t another option that makes any sense…no safety net to fall into, no one to run to, you’re just there on the trail that you thought was leading to your future, but is now leading no where. You think and think about it, but only the same arguments chase each other through your mind, no solutions. So what do you do? Get out of the car and start walking, starting over from scratch and just hope that the next path you cross will have a better car and an easier trail, or do you go backwards, try and figure out where things went wrong, or do you struggle on the same path you’re on, but on foot, since your mode of transportation is obviously not moving? Big decisions that have a ripple effect, into the most minute parts of your life, you wont even realize that the change will spread that far, until it does….maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. Do you take the chance, or go on spinning your wheels?

Unexplained feelings

cnj222 — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 02:46:06 +0000

Ever feel so overwhelmed by a feeling that you had no idea was coming? You spend all day in a good mood, feeling positive about everything, yourself, what needs to get done, just life in general….and then later that night something just snaps and you suddenly don’t feel cheerful any more…but you want to feel happy, you just don’t? What are you suppose to do when people can obviously see that you are in a bad mood, but you don’t mean to be? Then an unexplained spiral begins because now you feel like crap because you made other people think you were mad when you know you have no right to be mad…and really you’re not even mad, just in a bad mood. And then you try to play happy, but it never works because it’s only a half hearted attempt…eventually you settle on just going to bed and trying again in the morning, because really what else is there to do? If you think about it too much you find yourself lost in a web of bad logic, from which there is no escape….so you ignore it and move on, hoping that it wont mount into a frustration that you can’t control.

Pushed Back Again

cnj222 — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 00:54:16 +0000

Feeling hurt and disappointed all over again, just when you think that you are two steps forward you find yourself shoved backwards until you trip and fall into the water where they hold you there until you can’t feel any more breathe in your lungs, but they let you up right before you drown…always right before you drown, wouldn’t want to deny them the right to do this all over again when you start to let your hopes get back up to eye level again. Whenever the smile starts to hover in your eyes and you think that it will all work out, they will be lurking in the shadows to ensure you don’t get far, or forget that you were meant to be at the bottom, to be alone, to be forgotten.