Shining Thru

Ever feel so overwhelmed by a feeling that you had no idea was coming?  You spend all day in a good mood, feeling positive about everything, yourself, what needs to get done, just life in general….and then later that night something just snaps and you suddenly don’t feel cheerful any more…but you want to feel happy, you just don’t?  What are you suppose to do when people can obviously see that you are in a bad mood, but you don’t mean to be?  Then an unexplained spiral begins because now you feel like crap because you made other people think you were mad when you know you have no right to be mad…and really you’re not even mad, just in a bad mood.  And then you try to play happy, but it never works because it’s only a half hearted attempt…eventually you settle on just going to bed and trying again in the morning, because really what else is there to do?  If you think about it too much you find yourself lost in a web of bad logic, from which there is no escape….so you ignore it and move on, hoping that it wont mount into a frustration that you can’t control.

Confusion pressing down

Clamping on as you feel the walls cave

Relationships spinning

People yelling

No where quiet

No where peaceful

Confusion of the system

Of the society

Nobody looking

Nobody laughing

Just chaos

I hear the footsteps on the walkway and my heart skips a beat

I think maybe you came to surprise me, maybe you’re be here to hold me

I hear a car drive by and wonder if I will be coming to you soon

I wonder if you have forgotten me or just gotten busy

It’s so hard to tell what’s going on, once your life is linked to another person.  You don’t know what they are doing or where they are, what’s going on with them personally, you can only see what they allow you to see.  It doesn’t matter what kind of a relationship it is:  professional, romantic, family, or friend….it’s all the same when it comes to wondering where you fit into another’s plans.  You can only know what you see and feel and hear and at generally all three of those things are subjective and can’t be trusted.  Whenever there is another person thrown into the mix of your life, there will be some change, some doubt, some of everything that you can think of.  You might feel betrayed just to find out that it wasn’t at all what it looked like from the outside…you might feel loved when it wasn’t their intention to lead you on, but just to care about you as a friend.  You may feel as though you are unimportant and pushed aside, just to find out that something major had come up, that would automatically cancel any plans with any sane person.

Then you begin to feel the guilt because your initial feelings were wrong and raw.  You let emotion strip away your logic once again and spent a night feeling lonely and sad and hurt, when in reality there was nothing to feel bad about.  It’s hard to know what is what when another person is involved.  Linking your life to another is a big decision that takes a lot of dedication.  It also takes a great deal of patience and compromise.  We all have our own thoughts, and we have to realize that what we are thinking and feeling is also not going to be apparent to those we are linked with.  Sometimes we find ourselves making the same mistakes with our loved ones that when they do it, it drives us crazy.  We have to remember that just as we cannot read their minds, they cannot read ours as well.

Sometimes it’s hard to open yourself up enough to be linked with another person, all of the confusion, and pain, and wide range of emotion that goes with it.  But I feel that the love and comfort overrules those things once you find the right person to be linked with.

Lost and confused in the whirling winds of the crowd

Lost in thoughts and conversation with all of those around

Swirling through the madness of the confusion of others

Surrounded by the every day happenings that come your way

Never knowing what will be done or said

Moving along trying to make sense of it all

Blind to what emotions may be in play, you’re left to guess

False Assumptions that lead to false conclusions

Stumbling through the day, transferring from one thing to the next

Trying to understand what will come next when there is no way of telling

No way of seeing the pattern through the mist, never knowing what’s approaching

Just keep looking and moving through the confusion of people and life

Intellect?  Where does it get you?  How can you puzzle through relying on blurry thoughts and logic? 

What causes someone to lose sight of what’s important?

To allow things to become hazy and confusing?

Not knowing where your life is going or what road you’re on…

In a sea of colorful balloons that explode in your face when they get too full….

Emotions that can only take on so much, a heart that is tugged at too often…worried and stressed…

All of your thoughts begin to hover in the air until they need rearranging…but what happens when you can’t latch onto them in time to get a grip on what they are?  What happens when you can’t even recognize your own thoughts?  Glimpses of clarity provide hope….Moments of loneliness and worry provide reality. 

What happens when your heart is torn in two?  Knowing that you are so happy with your traveling companion on the road of life, but also knowing that the stress is having its toll and proving plenty of detours and potholes.  Interrupting the smooth ride with the swerves and bumps. 

Maybe that’s what life is…an impossible logic puzzle.  Something that no amount of intellect will be able to uncover.  Sometimes you just have to go with it and hope for the best…..If feelings lie and intellect isn’t enough…what is left to go on except hope?  The knowledge that at least you know when you’re happy

Walking contradictions they like to call themselves

Sitting down, standing up, can’t decide and walk around

Twirling and spinning, you try to follow their stream of consciousness

To no avail, you simply get lost in their wonderland of supposed logic

The winding path of twisted thoughts, no clarity in their reasoning

Only confusing circles that lack coherence.

You try to discuss and debate, but nothing comes of it

They continue to loop around in their familiar circle.

You only end up spinning around in logical frustration

How their judgement makes sense, you simply cannot understand

You end up walking away to straighten your mind

Trying to think clearly again

Knowing you are still sane…..but live in surrounding confusion.

Why are we told that expressing certain feelings are wrong when we are young to the point that when we are adults we feel shame when we feel certain things or begin to cry for one reason or another?  Why are we told that we need to hide our problems?  Everyone has problems and I think it’s important that we help each other through those and be strong for each other.  Sometimes it might be hard to stand by someone not knowing how it will effect you in the future, but it is more important to be strong for the person that you love and care about. 

Is it possible to be strong for someone else while still feeling free and being sensitive to your own feelings?  Your own desires?  Your own fears?  I think sometimes it’s impossible to deal with both and a person needs to put their own feelings and issues aside to help a loved one…but because you love them it’s worth it….

I wish we could always help the people that we love and care about…but sometimes we can’t…sometimes we can only be there for them and keep on loving them.  Especially with life changing decisions there is only one person that can make that call and that is the person at the center of it.  But it’s important that we love them and support them in their decision because it’s their life, it’s as simple as that. 

Decisions are hard enough to make without having to feel alone in the process.  Loneliness is probably the most horrible feeling in the world…so hold the people you are in love with close and let them know that they are not alone, and that they will always be loved.

What does it take to accept yourself for who you are?  Does it include your feelings, even if you know they aren’t always logical…does it mean not making excuses or apologies for what comes natural…even if others see it as wrong?  Does it include the situation that you find yourself in?  Can you have confidence without complete acceptance of who you are?  What if there is something that is very natural in you, but something that you want to go away, should you try and change it, or accept it and just learn how to live with it? 

Strangely enough, I think that some of the cockiest people have the lowest self confidence and have not accepted who they are; they may not even know who they are.  Self discovery is a strange feeling and a long process.  I am willing to bet that some people die, having never figured out who they really were, having always lived in someone’s shadow or the ideals others’ set for them as a child. 

If you hate the situation that you find yourself in, I can see why it would be easy to focus that in as self hatred and blaming yourself for getting yourself in the situation…and although you are responsible for your own choices in life, I don’t think that it’s any reason to hate yourself for those choices…what’s done is done, the question is how will you grow from the experience and move forward into the future with your new understand of yourself and the life that you want to lead. 

I don’t think that we can change our nature…what comes natural to us, has been their since birth…but I do think that we can decide how to use what was given to us to live the type of life that we want to live.  I think that we can accept even our worse qualities and simply learn from them and turn it into something positive that will help you go forward in life. 

I do think that in order to be truly happy, which is something beyond simple contentment, you need to accept yourself…I’m just not sure as to what all that entails.

Feelings are sometimes hard things to sort through, fight against, and/or accept.  A lot of times the logic in your head is screaming at you not to feel the way that you do…so why do you feel that way?  Why is it that feelings can be a great guide, an advanced warning system at the same time they can be a horrible distraction, and really set you off your game.  Sometimes feelings lie…sometimes they are so illogical that they can make you feel crazy.  Sometimes your own feelings or fear of some of your feelings can drive you to loneliness, isolation; to a part of the world that you create for yourself so you never have to fully open up and expose yourself to other people…..but this is no way to live in my opinion.  Fear and Risk generally lead to some of the greatest things in life, including happiness and love.  Settling for contentment is just not really living for most people, at least not for me. 

If we live in fear of our emotions or live constantly fighting our emotions than we will never be happy.  We have to learn how to examine and understand our feelings from a logical point of view.  We need to remember that things are not usually as they seem at first.  We have to remember that feelings can lie.  We have to remember that feelings are a part of our being and without that I don’t think we would be considered human.  We cannot just ignore our feelings, but understand them….Without our feelings we would never feel happiness, love, and passion.  Granted along with these feelings we get some of the negative or scary ones as well, but think about all we would be missing if we hid from or denied our emotions…would we appreciate or even be able to experience happiness if we never experienced sadness?….would relationships grow if we never experienced hurt?

All feelings are important and need to be valued, it’s what makes us human.  We just need to remember that feelings are only part of our being and we can’t separate them from the logical part….

Floating above

Separating from the rest

Push away the feelings and pain

Push away the chance of happy change

Look away because it could bite back

Look away because it might not be a true gift

But you can’t help but look towards the light

The future that you long for

The love that you’ve dreamed of

The love that makes you float in happiness,

instead of floating in loneliness.

You don’t want to be brought back to earth

You don’t want to leave the happy love

You want to stay on the cloud that is safe.

The loving arms around you,

The body heat next to you,

The love that lights your soul

Makes you float….