Shining Thru

Unsure weather to broach the river that could swallow you up whole, Leave you gasping for breath under the current as you are swept away, but needing to know what’s on the other side.  You face the choice of venturing forward or forever wondering.  Even if you manage to put your mind on something else, a new adventure, the question will always be lurking in the back of your mind, and will come out every time you have to pass by the swift water’s edge.  Unsure how to proceed, you hesitate.  Look for guidance from somewhere, but no one is around.  You are alone with your thoughts, questions……putting a toe in, you’re sure that you have made the right choice, and then a sudden splash distracts your determination….and makes you step back and think again.  What if this is the end?  What if there isn’t another chance to know, but what if by moving forward you remove all hope of anything else.  Either way you’d never know, and would be left….alone with the wondering or alone under the current.  Unsure of which is worse, the ending of time or the never ending wonder, you step forward again…..

Walking down the cool midnight path, Looking into the inky darkness that is brightened by the mood and stars, Until the clouds slowly move in ad block the light…Keep walking in the blueish blackness of the blank night, wondering what lays ahead.  Walking confidently as you know the way, you keep your head up and and pace moving like you can see where you’re going.  Quick glimpses from the moon peaking out from behind the clouds give you quiet assurances that you haven’t lost your way.  Walking, you know the distance isn’t far.  Walking, you know you will get there in the end.  Walking in the night there is a peacefulness that falls on your heart and mind as there is nothing to distracting you in the blanket of darkness that surrounds you.  Walking in the comfort of midnight you pass one thing after another, alone on the path you know you can’t be disturbed, knowing the path and knowing the destination gives you a peace that evaded you during the day.  In the day you can see what is around you and get distracted from your path.  The Midnight path gives you a clarity that you can only find in the darkness.

Every feel like you’re stuck in the mud of life?  Like the invisible force is just gripping onto your wheels and they just keep spinning.  That’s a lot of effort not to see any progress forward, you can go and go for awhile, keeping hope alive that you’ll be able to get out, but sooner or later it will be apparent that this …is NOT working.  But then what?  This was the only idea you had….If you would have had a better plan, you would have tried that first…..so what happens when your plan for life gets turned around and upside down, what happens when you’re barely hanging on, and that’s just because there isn’t another option that makes any sense…no safety net to fall into, no one to run to, you’re just there on the trail that you thought was leading to your future, but is now leading no where.  You think and think about it, but only the same arguments chase each other through your mind, no solutions.  So what do you do?  Get out of the car and start walking, starting over from scratch and just hope that the next path you cross will have a better car and an easier trail, or do you go backwards, try and figure out where things went wrong, or do you struggle on the same path you’re on, but on foot, since your mode of transportation is obviously not moving?  Big decisions that have a ripple effect, into the most minute parts of your life, you wont even realize that the change will spread that far, until it does….maybe for the better, maybe for the worse.  Do you take the chance, or go on spinning your wheels?

Ever feel so overwhelmed by a feeling that you had no idea was coming?  You spend all day in a good mood, feeling positive about everything, yourself, what needs to get done, just life in general….and then later that night something just snaps and you suddenly don’t feel cheerful any more…but you want to feel happy, you just don’t?  What are you suppose to do when people can obviously see that you are in a bad mood, but you don’t mean to be?  Then an unexplained spiral begins because now you feel like crap because you made other people think you were mad when you know you have no right to be mad…and really you’re not even mad, just in a bad mood.  And then you try to play happy, but it never works because it’s only a half hearted attempt…eventually you settle on just going to bed and trying again in the morning, because really what else is there to do?  If you think about it too much you find yourself lost in a web of bad logic, from which there is no escape….so you ignore it and move on, hoping that it wont mount into a frustration that you can’t control.

Do you ever feel the emotions and emptiness building up inside of you and you try not to feel anything because if you do feel anything you just know that you’re going to explode.  There wont be any stopping the waterworks when they break through the flood gates; there wont be anything stopping the mind from going round and round in an  illogical tornado, upsetting your whole night.  Not able to sleep because you are trying so hard to avoid thought that it’s taking all of your efforts.  Trying not to get upset about things that haven’t even happened yet you find yourself knowing that you’re going crazy from all of  your fears and insecurities.  You just wish that someone could come and help you get a grip, to be hold and feel loved and secure.  Losing int he battle against emotions you try to take a breath and calm down, but it just keeps spiraling until you’re sitting with the Kleenex box next to the bed or couch again.   Knowing that you’re not even making any sense you try to figure out why you are losing this battle when there isn’t even anything that’s happened to you……more and more frustration mounts as you try so hard to make better decisions and eliminate the confusion and chaos, but he consequences are clear, with every choice, it all looks the same in the end.

Okay, now that that’s over, breathe, relax and take in everything from a clear perspective.  One thing at a time, step by step, minute by minute you’ll swim to the top.  After feeling like you’re drowning until you feel like you will fall victim to suffocation.  All of the energy and oxygen drained from your brain as you’re washed over with all of life going over your head, pushing you down.  Falling down with an over flow of feelings, not able to keep the tears in check, they keep running down your face.

Between the sobs, clarity begins to appear.  Slowly but surely the emotions pass and you’re left with a new start.  Taking a deep breath you move forward, make a list, pick up the pieces and move on.  Feeling alone and strong instead of lonely and vulnerable.  Moving forward step by step, it doesn’t seem so big or bad now that you’ve had time to look from a different perspective.  Sometimes you have to look up from the lowest point to see that the path really isn’t as uphill as it first appeared.

She saw him coming across the room, slipping up behind her, she felt his gentle touch

Looking down at her glass on the bar, she shivered as she felt the hand run down her back

Feeling something that she hadn’t felt in so long…but still a little uncertain

Wanting so much to fulfill the hole deep within, she looked up and smiled as he whispered in her ear

She accepts his guidance and gets up to leave, he puts the money on the bar

They walk out into the clean, open night air on the street, she feels the squeeze of what she hopes is a protective arm

She walks out wondering if this is better than alone at the bar

Someone, anyone to fill night, she continues walking

Deep breath, he escorts her into a cab

He smiles a charming grin and nudget her when the driver asks, where to?

She hesitates and then gives her address

All the time wondering if this is a good idea but not wanting to spend another lonely night

She unlocks the door and invites him in

Turning on a few lights with little small talk and a tour of the house

With great ease he stops her in the bedroom, pulling her close

She shivers in his arms, how much she has craved an intimate and gentle touch these past few lonely months

She willingly accepts his soft caress and offered kisses

She eagerly allows the kiss to get deeper as he pulls her closer still

Sharing the moment of the night with moonlight flooding the now darkened room

Tossed onto the bed she watches him undress with a flare of excitement beating in her chest

Admiring his seemingly passionate love of the moment, they spend the night intimately entwined together

But when she wakes, he’s no where to be found

Was it all a dream, not so lucky, just another piece to a broken puzzle

She is again consumed by the emptiness

Hurt feelings and loneliness fills every ounce of her being

She can’t even think beyond wondering why she can’t be loved….Truly loved

Why did everyone use her and leave her?

Why did she always find herself alone?

The thought swirl through her mind as she prepares for another day alone.

How much would you give up for someone that you love?  Your money?  Your property?  Your time?  You life?  How much would you expect someone to sacrifice for you?  Can you really count on anyone to give up anything for you?  Are their certain people that you know without a doubt you would do absolutely anything for?  Your children?  Your siblings?  Your parents?  Your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend?  Who is it that you know you would do anything for because their happiness and well-being are more important to you then your own.  Or maybe there isn’t anyone that you feel that way about.  What would it be like to never love someone above yourself?  I feel bad for people who don’t ever get to experience that feeling because they are too self involved or too selfish to let another person get that high in their affections.  It’s really sad when you see that people who you think wouldn’t have a problem doing what’s right for the ones that they love, turn their back on them when they are in need, or go to absolute extremes, not thinking about the consequences for the very person they are trying to protect.

Riding on the creaky carts through the twisted maze

Up and down, fast and slow through the dark, misty haze.

Bright lights flashing, quick spin, turned around

Now where are you going, trapped and bound?

Not having a choice you get off at the next stop

People start arriving as you stare at the empty lot.

Not quite understanding you know they are watching

Suspicious of the the quick glances and fake smiles towards where you are standing.

You move slowly through the ever thickening crowd,

Strangely enough still only quiet murmurs are heard, but you think it should be loud.

All these people quietly standing around, no screaming

As a new kind of cart pulls up beaming.

This one is not on the roller coaster track

This one could go where it likes and never bring you back.

All of the sudden a gun appears and a forceful hand

You look around, but cannot avoid it, in the cart you land.

Holding on, not knowing what to do, floating in this cart up above

Waiting for something to happen, others enter the cart with a shove.

And then we are off back into the gathering darkness outside the platform

Back to being chased and riddles to answer at passages, back where the chaos swarms.

Up and down, left or right….which direction do you go?

Walking down the path, least desired rocky path you were forced onto.

The path of least resistance is not always the easiest

Sometimes stumbling along because you can see the way

Climbing on the rocks and tripping in the grass, slipping on the moss

Sometimes just going forward to avoid the crowd, sometimes going with the flow of the crowd

Not wanting to get stomped in the stampede,

Sometimes going off the path all together

Sometimes because of needing a moment alone,

Sometimes because of shouldering and elbows.

Needing to go forward, not sure if you want to push on into the wilderness

Unknown territory with no designated ending….just walking on

Go back to the easy path?  Cross over to a different path?

Stay here and continue walking on?

Thinking about or ignoring the decision, doesn’t matter…

It’s still there, and you’re still walking on…ever perpetual