Shining Thru

She feels like a princess as she looks in the mirror, the dress flows down beautifully over her perfectly thin and curved body.  She sees the curls done in her thick blond hair.  She smiles, pristine.

On the other side of the wall, a girl sighs when she sees the reflection of a hurt, torn, and broken girl staring back at her.  Her straight straggly hair; she thinks about going to the dance…but this is as good as it gets.

She slips into her new shoes and removes a stray piece of hair.  One last look to make sure every thing is in it’s rightful place, she’s giddy as she walks out her bedroom door.

She listens to the screaming downstairs and wishes to be any place but here.  Looking at the mirror, she wonders if she will always be here.  Maybe Alice had the right idea, Wonderland?

Her parents meet her at the bottom of the stairs, camera in hand.  They smile and kiss her on the cheek.  She hugs them as her date rings the bell.

She stares at the door, hiding in her room, not wanting to leave, but not wanting to be there.  Wishing there was a way out, she sighs, and looks back to the mirror.

Arriving at the dance she steps out of the rented sports car.  He guides her in with a smile and gentleman’s grace.  She walks in delighted to see the smiles from her friends.

She stares back at the mirror, at her only company.  Her only companion in the room full of sorrows.  She brushes away the tear that slips unwillingly down her cheek.

Floating through the room like royalty, handsome man at her side.  She joins in on the laughter and gaiety, as she is swung around the dance floor.

Silence now fills the house, as everyone else has gone to bed.  Feeling sorry for herself and the life she has been tossed into she sits on the edge of the bed.

The evening is coming to a close as a few people trickle out the door.  Helped into her coat, she smiles at her charming date.

Closing her eyes and laying down, she tries to forget the pain she feels.  She tries to imagine better, happier times spent with friends.

Reaching the door he helps her in, crossing over to his side he smiles at her.  She looks at him with her big green eyes and blushes.

She starts to doze off to sleep as she remembers all of the good times that she’s had.  All of the friends that had surrounded her.

She reaches for the car door and screams as she’s pulled backwards into his arm.  Covering her mouth he tells her how he’s been waiting all night.

She twists and turns in bed, fighting against the darkness of the dreams, and remembers that a year ago, she was at the dance that ended her joy that night.

Fire burning
Tears stinging
Walking on egg shells again
Tip toe tip toe
Don’t let your emotions show
Brave strong and loving
That is all that is allowed
Quick turn away
Don’t let them see
You’ve been crying again
Hurt and torn
You can’t seem forlorn
Rushing in
Smiles quick
And hugs that bring the love
Never showing
Don’t let them know
The pain and grief you feel

The rose petals fall one by one leaving only the thorned handle

You grab it and it pricks the blood from you hand

You throw it but it sticks, you stomp it into the dirt

And turn to walk away but….stop, looking back, now nearly destroyed

The memories of the beautiful petals remain, the vibrant colors in your mind

The soft, perfumed beauty that the stem once held

Seeing what’s left in the dirt makes you pick it up

Feeling the blood pricked once again

Not able to put it back down

Not able to throw it away and begin again

Wishing you could watch it bloom into the beautiful flower it once was

You save it…carrying it…holding it….wishing

The most beautiful sights are sometimes the most common things in life

A smile or a rainbow, a warm gentle rain, or a glimpse of love

The person you love and a smile that gleams through their eyes

A waterfall in the middle of the woods, secluded and romantic

A cozy dinner and movie in the arms of passion

Smiles and laughter when you need it the most

A child’s innocence staring back through the nonsense

A passion dressed in the white of purity

Some beautiful things can never be replaced

It’s that time of year again when the weather turns cold, you’re trying to make sure that you have a gift for everyone that will be at the family get together this year.  Trying to align schedules and make everyone happy, while the people on the street have nasty attitudes and even worse driving habits.  You try to stay calm and not use your horn or your finger as you’re trying to cruise down the street in peace listening to your Christmas music on the radio.  But one person after another cuts you off, or flings something out their window, or is just plain rude in one way or another and by the time you get home you’re frustrated.  No matter how hard you try to forget about it, you’re still frustrated.  And everything, every little thing, that happens after that makes you more and more frustrated until you feel like you’ll simply fall apart.  You feel like at any minute your very being will fly into a million pieces and you will bust apart as the tears start to fall….no real reason, just too many high powered emotions rushing you at the same time.

Sometimes you wish your life was more like one of the Christmas movies you like to watch at this time of year, where the whole family learns a valuable lesson and everyone is smiling and singing Christmas Carols by the fire at the end of the movie…..unfortunately, life is not like that, not by a long shot.  You’re probably going to have to fight every person in that room if you want them to play the piano, stand around the piano and sing instead of watch whatever game is coming on tv.

Sometimes you wish Christmas was about what you thought it was about all of those years ago.  What the Whoos make it about in one of my favorite Christmas movies, when little Cindy Loo Who wants to make sure that everyone knows Christmas for what it is, instead of what we have turned it into.  I think sometimes we do lose track of what is important.  Even if your family is driving you crazy this Christmas season, it is important that they are still here and that you can still see them.  That you still love them, because they are family and it’s Christmas.  Hopefully we can all keep it together, long enough to remember that message.

Life is full of new experiences, some of them are planned out for days, weeks, months, sometimes even years.  Sometimes it seems like you wait forever to try something that you have always had your eye on, and then other times, something new can catch you by complete surprise.  Sometimes it’s a good thing, but it can be bad, or at least uncomfortable…other times it is fun, new and exciting.  The thing about surprises, is that you never know until it happens if you’ll get a positive or negative outcome….or sometimes neutral.

It’s funny how new experiences can spring themselves on you, while others you have to fight and work hard for.  It could be something as natural as falling in love, something that you have no control over at all….or it could be stumbling upon an academic program and going back to school.  Or maybe you worked hard to gain access to the academic program of your choice, just to find out at the last minute you missed one of the qualifications listed, so you had to settle for second best.

Sometimes surprises can come at the most inconvenient time, while other times, they hit you at just the right moment and throw you for a huge pick-me-up that you’ve been waiting for.  Sometimes a new experience can open your eyes to a whole new perspective on the world, a whole new set of things that you never knew existed.  Sometimes experiencing something one time can be all you need to find the freedom to enter the whole world and continue to take it up a step each time you go through the door.  Sometimes a crack in the door is the only invitation that you need in order to join the playing field.

Looking at the stars, feeling all alone,

From the start, not knowing where the finish line is

How can you line up for the end when you don’t know where it’s marked?

How can you head in the right direction when you can’t see the guiding stars?

The stars brilliantly bright one minute and then covered in gray clouds the next.

Quickly fleeting, the only comfort and support is gone in the blink of an eye.

Not knowing when or where, not knowing how long or how much…

Only knowing that you’re here, not sure if anyone notices or not.

Knowing you’re alone in what you stand to do

Not knowing if there will be another beside you or behind you

Will they push you forward or stab you in the back, bringing you to a halt?

The stars peek out twinkling long enough for a glimmer of hope…

Before they disappear back into the world of the unknown

Your world is here, as much as you would like to be up there looking down

Your world is not shared but here and now

Your world is under the stars, and praying they wont leave you too

Your world is here…….where will you go?

The crashing waves, beat the rhythm you hear in your head

Circling around your thoughts one more time

Listening to the gentle crash upon the beach

The birds sore above the swirling madness

Jealous of their freedom I admire them from below

Listening again to the sound of the water I wait

Sitting and waiting, listening and admiring

I see a fish jump in the water as a dolphin chases it into the air

Trapped, fear and successful triumph all in one single snap shot

Watching nature swirl around as the waves continue to crash

Sometimes gently upon the sand

Sometimes hard against the rocks

Wondering what kind of crashing emotion will be mine.

Sometimes the best moments in time are the simple moments.  It doesn’t take much, maybe a song that makes you happy or a picture that makes you smile.  The smile of someone that warms you up inside, or the touch that thrills your senses in a way that you can’t explain.  No fancy candle light, no shooting stars, just simple emotion that surges through you in one of the wonderful moments.  A moment that is unconsciously celebrated within your being.  You might not even be aware of the moment until you find yourself still smiling just by thinking back to that moment, and to the gentle touch or charge that you feel from the simplest of things.

Sometimes you just sigh with the pleasure that you are feeling because there is nothing to do but feel the unmistakable calmness of pure happiness.  The happiness that fills your heart and makes it so you can’t stop smiling, even your eyes shine and display your secret freedom of love and happiness to the world.  These are the moments to treasure and keep close, they just help to let go of everything else.

I hear the footsteps on the walkway and my heart skips a beat

I think maybe you came to surprise me, maybe you’re be here to hold me

I hear a car drive by and wonder if I will be coming to you soon

I wonder if you have forgotten me or just gotten busy

It’s so hard to tell what’s going on, once your life is linked to another person.  You don’t know what they are doing or where they are, what’s going on with them personally, you can only see what they allow you to see.  It doesn’t matter what kind of a relationship it is:  professional, romantic, family, or friend….it’s all the same when it comes to wondering where you fit into another’s plans.  You can only know what you see and feel and hear and at generally all three of those things are subjective and can’t be trusted.  Whenever there is another person thrown into the mix of your life, there will be some change, some doubt, some of everything that you can think of.  You might feel betrayed just to find out that it wasn’t at all what it looked like from the outside…you might feel loved when it wasn’t their intention to lead you on, but just to care about you as a friend.  You may feel as though you are unimportant and pushed aside, just to find out that something major had come up, that would automatically cancel any plans with any sane person.

Then you begin to feel the guilt because your initial feelings were wrong and raw.  You let emotion strip away your logic once again and spent a night feeling lonely and sad and hurt, when in reality there was nothing to feel bad about.  It’s hard to know what is what when another person is involved.  Linking your life to another is a big decision that takes a lot of dedication.  It also takes a great deal of patience and compromise.  We all have our own thoughts, and we have to realize that what we are thinking and feeling is also not going to be apparent to those we are linked with.  Sometimes we find ourselves making the same mistakes with our loved ones that when they do it, it drives us crazy.  We have to remember that just as we cannot read their minds, they cannot read ours as well.

Sometimes it’s hard to open yourself up enough to be linked with another person, all of the confusion, and pain, and wide range of emotion that goes with it.  But I feel that the love and comfort overrules those things once you find the right person to be linked with.