Shining Thru

Unsure weather to broach the river that could swallow you up whole, Leave you gasping for breath under the current as you are swept away, but needing to know what’s on the other side.  You face the choice of venturing forward or forever wondering.  Even if you manage to put your mind on something else, a new adventure, the question will always be lurking in the back of your mind, and will come out every time you have to pass by the swift water’s edge.  Unsure how to proceed, you hesitate.  Look for guidance from somewhere, but no one is around.  You are alone with your thoughts, questions……putting a toe in, you’re sure that you have made the right choice, and then a sudden splash distracts your determination….and makes you step back and think again.  What if this is the end?  What if there isn’t another chance to know, but what if by moving forward you remove all hope of anything else.  Either way you’d never know, and would be left….alone with the wondering or alone under the current.  Unsure of which is worse, the ending of time or the never ending wonder, you step forward again…..

Ever feel so overwhelmed by a feeling that you had no idea was coming?  You spend all day in a good mood, feeling positive about everything, yourself, what needs to get done, just life in general….and then later that night something just snaps and you suddenly don’t feel cheerful any more…but you want to feel happy, you just don’t?  What are you suppose to do when people can obviously see that you are in a bad mood, but you don’t mean to be?  Then an unexplained spiral begins because now you feel like crap because you made other people think you were mad when you know you have no right to be mad…and really you’re not even mad, just in a bad mood.  And then you try to play happy, but it never works because it’s only a half hearted attempt…eventually you settle on just going to bed and trying again in the morning, because really what else is there to do?  If you think about it too much you find yourself lost in a web of bad logic, from which there is no escape….so you ignore it and move on, hoping that it wont mount into a frustration that you can’t control.

Do you ever feel the emotions and emptiness building up inside of you and you try not to feel anything because if you do feel anything you just know that you’re going to explode.  There wont be any stopping the waterworks when they break through the flood gates; there wont be anything stopping the mind from going round and round in an  illogical tornado, upsetting your whole night.  Not able to sleep because you are trying so hard to avoid thought that it’s taking all of your efforts.  Trying not to get upset about things that haven’t even happened yet you find yourself knowing that you’re going crazy from all of  your fears and insecurities.  You just wish that someone could come and help you get a grip, to be hold and feel loved and secure.  Losing int he battle against emotions you try to take a breath and calm down, but it just keeps spiraling until you’re sitting with the Kleenex box next to the bed or couch again.   Knowing that you’re not even making any sense you try to figure out why you are losing this battle when there isn’t even anything that’s happened to you……more and more frustration mounts as you try so hard to make better decisions and eliminate the confusion and chaos, but he consequences are clear, with every choice, it all looks the same in the end.

Okay, now that that’s over, breathe, relax and take in everything from a clear perspective.  One thing at a time, step by step, minute by minute you’ll swim to the top.  After feeling like you’re drowning until you feel like you will fall victim to suffocation.  All of the energy and oxygen drained from your brain as you’re washed over with all of life going over your head, pushing you down.  Falling down with an over flow of feelings, not able to keep the tears in check, they keep running down your face.

Between the sobs, clarity begins to appear.  Slowly but surely the emotions pass and you’re left with a new start.  Taking a deep breath you move forward, make a list, pick up the pieces and move on.  Feeling alone and strong instead of lonely and vulnerable.  Moving forward step by step, it doesn’t seem so big or bad now that you’ve had time to look from a different perspective.  Sometimes you have to look up from the lowest point to see that the path really isn’t as uphill as it first appeared.

She saw him coming across the room, slipping up behind her, she felt his gentle touch

Looking down at her glass on the bar, she shivered as she felt the hand run down her back

Feeling something that she hadn’t felt in so long…but still a little uncertain

Wanting so much to fulfill the hole deep within, she looked up and smiled as he whispered in her ear

She accepts his guidance and gets up to leave, he puts the money on the bar

They walk out into the clean, open night air on the street, she feels the squeeze of what she hopes is a protective arm

She walks out wondering if this is better than alone at the bar

Someone, anyone to fill night, she continues walking

Deep breath, he escorts her into a cab

He smiles a charming grin and nudget her when the driver asks, where to?

She hesitates and then gives her address

All the time wondering if this is a good idea but not wanting to spend another lonely night

She unlocks the door and invites him in

Turning on a few lights with little small talk and a tour of the house

With great ease he stops her in the bedroom, pulling her close

She shivers in his arms, how much she has craved an intimate and gentle touch these past few lonely months

She willingly accepts his soft caress and offered kisses

She eagerly allows the kiss to get deeper as he pulls her closer still

Sharing the moment of the night with moonlight flooding the now darkened room

Tossed onto the bed she watches him undress with a flare of excitement beating in her chest

Admiring his seemingly passionate love of the moment, they spend the night intimately entwined together

But when she wakes, he’s no where to be found

Was it all a dream, not so lucky, just another piece to a broken puzzle

She is again consumed by the emptiness

Hurt feelings and loneliness fills every ounce of her being

She can’t even think beyond wondering why she can’t be loved….Truly loved

Why did everyone use her and leave her?

Why did she always find herself alone?

The thought swirl through her mind as she prepares for another day alone.

Running through the darkness, tripping and slipping

Looking back trying not to fall

Quickly struggling up the hill, dashing through the trees

Not believing what you saw

You keep running, not knowing what else to do

Not wanting to accept it, you keep going

Who to go to?  Who to trust?  You haven’t a clue

All you can do is run and keep running

Never stopping for  a moment of piece

Never leaving behind any type of disgrace

Not wanting to lose face, you smile at least

It doesn’t last long, the fake emotion you project

Moving through the darkness you keep moving

Still unwilling to think you dodge another rock

Go around the bench, not wanting to accept losing

She feels like a princess as she looks in the mirror, the dress flows down beautifully over her perfectly thin and curved body.  She sees the curls done in her thick blond hair.  She smiles, pristine.

On the other side of the wall, a girl sighs when she sees the reflection of a hurt, torn, and broken girl staring back at her.  Her straight straggly hair; she thinks about going to the dance…but this is as good as it gets.

She slips into her new shoes and removes a stray piece of hair.  One last look to make sure every thing is in it’s rightful place, she’s giddy as she walks out her bedroom door.

She listens to the screaming downstairs and wishes to be any place but here.  Looking at the mirror, she wonders if she will always be here.  Maybe Alice had the right idea, Wonderland?

Her parents meet her at the bottom of the stairs, camera in hand.  They smile and kiss her on the cheek.  She hugs them as her date rings the bell.

She stares at the door, hiding in her room, not wanting to leave, but not wanting to be there.  Wishing there was a way out, she sighs, and looks back to the mirror.

Arriving at the dance she steps out of the rented sports car.  He guides her in with a smile and gentleman’s grace.  She walks in delighted to see the smiles from her friends.

She stares back at the mirror, at her only company.  Her only companion in the room full of sorrows.  She brushes away the tear that slips unwillingly down her cheek.

Floating through the room like royalty, handsome man at her side.  She joins in on the laughter and gaiety, as she is swung around the dance floor.

Silence now fills the house, as everyone else has gone to bed.  Feeling sorry for herself and the life she has been tossed into she sits on the edge of the bed.

The evening is coming to a close as a few people trickle out the door.  Helped into her coat, she smiles at her charming date.

Closing her eyes and laying down, she tries to forget the pain she feels.  She tries to imagine better, happier times spent with friends.

Reaching the door he helps her in, crossing over to his side he smiles at her.  She looks at him with her big green eyes and blushes.

She starts to doze off to sleep as she remembers all of the good times that she’s had.  All of the friends that had surrounded her.

She reaches for the car door and screams as she’s pulled backwards into his arm.  Covering her mouth he tells her how he’s been waiting all night.

She twists and turns in bed, fighting against the darkness of the dreams, and remembers that a year ago, she was at the dance that ended her joy that night.

Fire burning
Tears stinging
Walking on egg shells again
Tip toe tip toe
Don’t let your emotions show
Brave strong and loving
That is all that is allowed
Quick turn away
Don’t let them see
You’ve been crying again
Hurt and torn
You can’t seem forlorn
Rushing in
Smiles quick
And hugs that bring the love
Never showing
Don’t let them know
The pain and grief you feel

It’s that time of year again when the weather turns cold, you’re trying to make sure that you have a gift for everyone that will be at the family get together this year.  Trying to align schedules and make everyone happy, while the people on the street have nasty attitudes and even worse driving habits.  You try to stay calm and not use your horn or your finger as you’re trying to cruise down the street in peace listening to your Christmas music on the radio.  But one person after another cuts you off, or flings something out their window, or is just plain rude in one way or another and by the time you get home you’re frustrated.  No matter how hard you try to forget about it, you’re still frustrated.  And everything, every little thing, that happens after that makes you more and more frustrated until you feel like you’ll simply fall apart.  You feel like at any minute your very being will fly into a million pieces and you will bust apart as the tears start to fall….no real reason, just too many high powered emotions rushing you at the same time.

Sometimes you wish your life was more like one of the Christmas movies you like to watch at this time of year, where the whole family learns a valuable lesson and everyone is smiling and singing Christmas Carols by the fire at the end of the movie…..unfortunately, life is not like that, not by a long shot.  You’re probably going to have to fight every person in that room if you want them to play the piano, stand around the piano and sing instead of watch whatever game is coming on tv.

Sometimes you wish Christmas was about what you thought it was about all of those years ago.  What the Whoos make it about in one of my favorite Christmas movies, when little Cindy Loo Who wants to make sure that everyone knows Christmas for what it is, instead of what we have turned it into.  I think sometimes we do lose track of what is important.  Even if your family is driving you crazy this Christmas season, it is important that they are still here and that you can still see them.  That you still love them, because they are family and it’s Christmas.  Hopefully we can all keep it together, long enough to remember that message.

I hear the footsteps on the walkway and my heart skips a beat

I think maybe you came to surprise me, maybe you’re be here to hold me

I hear a car drive by and wonder if I will be coming to you soon

I wonder if you have forgotten me or just gotten busy

It’s so hard to tell what’s going on, once your life is linked to another person.  You don’t know what they are doing or where they are, what’s going on with them personally, you can only see what they allow you to see.  It doesn’t matter what kind of a relationship it is:  professional, romantic, family, or friend….it’s all the same when it comes to wondering where you fit into another’s plans.  You can only know what you see and feel and hear and at generally all three of those things are subjective and can’t be trusted.  Whenever there is another person thrown into the mix of your life, there will be some change, some doubt, some of everything that you can think of.  You might feel betrayed just to find out that it wasn’t at all what it looked like from the outside…you might feel loved when it wasn’t their intention to lead you on, but just to care about you as a friend.  You may feel as though you are unimportant and pushed aside, just to find out that something major had come up, that would automatically cancel any plans with any sane person.

Then you begin to feel the guilt because your initial feelings were wrong and raw.  You let emotion strip away your logic once again and spent a night feeling lonely and sad and hurt, when in reality there was nothing to feel bad about.  It’s hard to know what is what when another person is involved.  Linking your life to another is a big decision that takes a lot of dedication.  It also takes a great deal of patience and compromise.  We all have our own thoughts, and we have to realize that what we are thinking and feeling is also not going to be apparent to those we are linked with.  Sometimes we find ourselves making the same mistakes with our loved ones that when they do it, it drives us crazy.  We have to remember that just as we cannot read their minds, they cannot read ours as well.

Sometimes it’s hard to open yourself up enough to be linked with another person, all of the confusion, and pain, and wide range of emotion that goes with it.  But I feel that the love and comfort overrules those things once you find the right person to be linked with.