Shining Thru

The waves crash over head and pull you towards the bottom simultaneously.  Further and Further out, don’t let he panic set it, keep fighting towards the light.  Reaching and pulling the water down but not moving, no match for the strength of the towing force.  Never dreaming this would be the end, the panic starts to rise up, suppressing it long enough to realize you need to keep the air in your lungs and not in the water.  Starting to choke as the air slowly seeps out, praying for release from the tide below, only wanting to join the laughter of the friends on top.  Never expecting it to be now….you’re drowning….in over your head….risk it all, fight, claw for the top.

I hear the footsteps on the walkway and my heart skips a beat

I think maybe you came to surprise me, maybe you’re be here to hold me

I hear a car drive by and wonder if I will be coming to you soon

I wonder if you have forgotten me or just gotten busy

It’s so hard to tell what’s going on, once your life is linked to another person.  You don’t know what they are doing or where they are, what’s going on with them personally, you can only see what they allow you to see.  It doesn’t matter what kind of a relationship it is:  professional, romantic, family, or friend….it’s all the same when it comes to wondering where you fit into another’s plans.  You can only know what you see and feel and hear and at generally all three of those things are subjective and can’t be trusted.  Whenever there is another person thrown into the mix of your life, there will be some change, some doubt, some of everything that you can think of.  You might feel betrayed just to find out that it wasn’t at all what it looked like from the outside…you might feel loved when it wasn’t their intention to lead you on, but just to care about you as a friend.  You may feel as though you are unimportant and pushed aside, just to find out that something major had come up, that would automatically cancel any plans with any sane person.

Then you begin to feel the guilt because your initial feelings were wrong and raw.  You let emotion strip away your logic once again and spent a night feeling lonely and sad and hurt, when in reality there was nothing to feel bad about.  It’s hard to know what is what when another person is involved.  Linking your life to another is a big decision that takes a lot of dedication.  It also takes a great deal of patience and compromise.  We all have our own thoughts, and we have to realize that what we are thinking and feeling is also not going to be apparent to those we are linked with.  Sometimes we find ourselves making the same mistakes with our loved ones that when they do it, it drives us crazy.  We have to remember that just as we cannot read their minds, they cannot read ours as well.

Sometimes it’s hard to open yourself up enough to be linked with another person, all of the confusion, and pain, and wide range of emotion that goes with it.  But I feel that the love and comfort overrules those things once you find the right person to be linked with.

Brick wall covered in dirt

Surrounds the trapped mind

Not knowing only wondering

Thinking chaotic confusion

Circles swirling in the entrapment

Tumbling, Spinning, Something Missing

Pounding want for understanding

Falls on deaf ears

Muted by the bricks and stone

Alone and cold, you wait

Fighting the natural instinct to scream

You wait, listen, thinking

Round and Round you travel within yourself

Discovering the own horrors and depths of your mind

Finding the enclosed space of your head and thoughts to suffocate

Arms wrapping around as the only defense

The bricks and dirt close in on the spinning mind.