Shining Thru

I’m rather sad that it turns out that all of those people who have always said, let it be known that the people you love the most can hurt you the most and I guess that is one of those lessons that sometimes a person has to learn over and over again for themselves the hard way before it sinks in.  Sometimes the most vivid and nerve wrecking pain comes from simply being forgotten, no dirty words, no violence, simply forgotten as if you never existed to them in the first place.  When you realize that, maybe, just maybe your idea of what the relationship you were involved in, no matter what that might  be, friendship, family, or romantic, when the thought comes crashing into your denial that just maybe you were wrong and that the other person never really cared about you, it’s like getting slammed up against a brick wall by a gust of wind.  Wind because you can’t touch it, it can’t hear you cuss it out, you don’t even really know if that’s what happened since there isn’t any evidence except the pain that you’re left feeling in the dark, deep despair.  On edge and anxious, not knowing what’s happening around you.  Are you being too clingy?  Expecting too much?  Or maybe, these thoughts that are seeping in have been the truth the whole time….is there any way to know?  To gain clarity?  All of these questions of WHY and no answers coming your way, you just want to know the truth, but you’re left lost in no man’s land…not sure what’s going on now, what’s really happened in the past, or where everything is headed for the future.  You wonder if you’re feelings are valid, or if you are in so far you can’t see that you’re being irrational.  You wonder if you’re going crazy.  You wonder if you can feel anything without breaking down.  You shut down so that you don’t explode from the pain.

It is strange how the smallest thing can make a wall collapse.  I think that people are like that too.  When emotions cause hairline fractures in our soul, confidence, mind, and heart, it only takes the smallest amount of force to break a person.

It could be something so mall that any other time it wouldn’t have been a big deal, but as you hear about it, everything else associated with anything or anyone involved in the situation rises to the top and comes pouring out in your words, emotions, and tears.  A full collapse of the strong facade.

Tears run down your cheek and a sort of self hate rises up as you can no longer control your emotions and keep them hidden from view.  It only takes a pin hole in a balloon and it only takes one moment for a person.

Collapse of the world around you can happen so quickly, everything that you knew to be true can change in a heartbeat.  I guess that is life….always changing, never knowing.

Intellect?  Where does it get you?  How can you puzzle through relying on blurry thoughts and logic? 

What causes someone to lose sight of what’s important?

To allow things to become hazy and confusing?

Not knowing where your life is going or what road you’re on…

In a sea of colorful balloons that explode in your face when they get too full….

Emotions that can only take on so much, a heart that is tugged at too often…worried and stressed…

All of your thoughts begin to hover in the air until they need rearranging…but what happens when you can’t latch onto them in time to get a grip on what they are?  What happens when you can’t even recognize your own thoughts?  Glimpses of clarity provide hope….Moments of loneliness and worry provide reality. 

What happens when your heart is torn in two?  Knowing that you are so happy with your traveling companion on the road of life, but also knowing that the stress is having its toll and proving plenty of detours and potholes.  Interrupting the smooth ride with the swerves and bumps. 

Maybe that’s what life is…an impossible logic puzzle.  Something that no amount of intellect will be able to uncover.  Sometimes you just have to go with it and hope for the best…..If feelings lie and intellect isn’t enough…what is left to go on except hope?  The knowledge that at least you know when you’re happy

Emotions running wild.

Frustration, Tired, Stress, Confusion, Hurt,

Turmoil of the heart and mind merge,

All combine into a crying outburst of feeling…

Feeling forgotten, alone, and unwanted.

Pushed aside for something more important.

Not having the security that you crave,

Knowing there is always the unknown factor.

After a long day of trying and not succeeding

Hoping, but not knowing if everything is okay.

What else can you do but cry out the overflow.

When you try to be understanding and are forgotten

When you get hurt because you trust and expect

The overflow grows…