Shining Thru

She feels like a princess as she looks in the mirror, the dress flows down beautifully over her perfectly thin and curved body.  She sees the curls done in her thick blond hair.  She smiles, pristine.

On the other side of the wall, a girl sighs when she sees the reflection of a hurt, torn, and broken girl staring back at her.  Her straight straggly hair; she thinks about going to the dance…but this is as good as it gets.

She slips into her new shoes and removes a stray piece of hair.  One last look to make sure every thing is in it’s rightful place, she’s giddy as she walks out her bedroom door.

She listens to the screaming downstairs and wishes to be any place but here.  Looking at the mirror, she wonders if she will always be here.  Maybe Alice had the right idea, Wonderland?

Her parents meet her at the bottom of the stairs, camera in hand.  They smile and kiss her on the cheek.  She hugs them as her date rings the bell.

She stares at the door, hiding in her room, not wanting to leave, but not wanting to be there.  Wishing there was a way out, she sighs, and looks back to the mirror.

Arriving at the dance she steps out of the rented sports car.  He guides her in with a smile and gentleman’s grace.  She walks in delighted to see the smiles from her friends.

She stares back at the mirror, at her only company.  Her only companion in the room full of sorrows.  She brushes away the tear that slips unwillingly down her cheek.

Floating through the room like royalty, handsome man at her side.  She joins in on the laughter and gaiety, as she is swung around the dance floor.

Silence now fills the house, as everyone else has gone to bed.  Feeling sorry for herself and the life she has been tossed into she sits on the edge of the bed.

The evening is coming to a close as a few people trickle out the door.  Helped into her coat, she smiles at her charming date.

Closing her eyes and laying down, she tries to forget the pain she feels.  She tries to imagine better, happier times spent with friends.

Reaching the door he helps her in, crossing over to his side he smiles at her.  She looks at him with her big green eyes and blushes.

She starts to doze off to sleep as she remembers all of the good times that she’s had.  All of the friends that had surrounded her.

She reaches for the car door and screams as she’s pulled backwards into his arm.  Covering her mouth he tells her how he’s been waiting all night.

She twists and turns in bed, fighting against the darkness of the dreams, and remembers that a year ago, she was at the dance that ended her joy that night.

I’m rather sad that it turns out that all of those people who have always said, let it be known that the people you love the most can hurt you the most and I guess that is one of those lessons that sometimes a person has to learn over and over again for themselves the hard way before it sinks in.  Sometimes the most vivid and nerve wrecking pain comes from simply being forgotten, no dirty words, no violence, simply forgotten as if you never existed to them in the first place.  When you realize that, maybe, just maybe your idea of what the relationship you were involved in, no matter what that might  be, friendship, family, or romantic, when the thought comes crashing into your denial that just maybe you were wrong and that the other person never really cared about you, it’s like getting slammed up against a brick wall by a gust of wind.  Wind because you can’t touch it, it can’t hear you cuss it out, you don’t even really know if that’s what happened since there isn’t any evidence except the pain that you’re left feeling in the dark, deep despair.  On edge and anxious, not knowing what’s happening around you.  Are you being too clingy?  Expecting too much?  Or maybe, these thoughts that are seeping in have been the truth the whole time….is there any way to know?  To gain clarity?  All of these questions of WHY and no answers coming your way, you just want to know the truth, but you’re left lost in no man’s land…not sure what’s going on now, what’s really happened in the past, or where everything is headed for the future.  You wonder if you’re feelings are valid, or if you are in so far you can’t see that you’re being irrational.  You wonder if you’re going crazy.  You wonder if you can feel anything without breaking down.  You shut down so that you don’t explode from the pain.

It is strange how the smallest thing can make a wall collapse.  I think that people are like that too.  When emotions cause hairline fractures in our soul, confidence, mind, and heart, it only takes the smallest amount of force to break a person.

It could be something so mall that any other time it wouldn’t have been a big deal, but as you hear about it, everything else associated with anything or anyone involved in the situation rises to the top and comes pouring out in your words, emotions, and tears.  A full collapse of the strong facade.

Tears run down your cheek and a sort of self hate rises up as you can no longer control your emotions and keep them hidden from view.  It only takes a pin hole in a balloon and it only takes one moment for a person.

Collapse of the world around you can happen so quickly, everything that you knew to be true can change in a heartbeat.  I guess that is life….always changing, never knowing.

I heard someone the other day talk about how in our society today it’s almost necessary to build up walls to protect yourself from all of the liars and scams that come around today.  However, if we spend so much time trying to protect ourselves by blocking things from coming in, how will we ever take the risk that is necessary for trust?  If we don’t take the risks for trust, how can we ever expect to develop any kind of real relationship?

People are so scared of being hurt that they don’t want to risk the amazing feeling of trust.  Sometimes it seems like the fear of the  little bit of pain that you could experience really battles for control over the love and trust that you could have with a person.  If you never open yourself and take that risk than trust will never be available to you….that has to be the loneliest thing in the world for someone…not to have anyone to trust. 

I hope that most people can allow themselves for at least that one right person to open up to the experience of love and trust.  It would just make me sad to think of someone going their whole life without feeling those things.

The Thoughts become a sea of colors

Swimming confusion inside my head,

I tilt and adjust, but everything stays a blur,

A haze that wont reveal the other side.

What’s to come?

The unknown is the fear, the unseen

The not understanding is the pain,

The ache that wont go away.

But the confusion is life.

Life without pain would be a life without growth

Life without growth would be empty

Emptiness leads to loneliness

And no one wants to be alone.