Shining Thru

Embarrassment is a strange emotion.  It comes when you least expect it and can come in so many forms, in so many places, and from so many different people.  The other thing about embarrassment is that it can last for all sorts of different time spans.  Some people are able to let go of embarrassment rather quickly, while others can hold on to it, and begrudge anyone who saw them get embarrassed.  Some people can even embrace the feeling and turn it into a positive experience because they like all of the attention, while others spend all of their time hiding in the shadows, dodging all of the attention from everyone or at least the people who are not close to them.

It’s amazing how certain people can make you always feel safe and never make fun of you or embarrass you.  It has always interested me to know how some people you can just connect with right away and never look back, never regret that relationship, and never feel betrayed.  I think that we should feel lucky to know people that make us feel safe and secure, people who appreciate us for who we are and don’t hold our little malfunctions, or quirks against us.  These people we should always hold close to our hearts and never let get too far away.

Embarrassment, I think is one feeling that can really tell you a lot about your relationship with the people that you are around.  Some people can make you feel better about it, brush it off, laugh it off, and some people will hold it against you and point it out to everyone who comes your way.

Funny how certain things can raise our alert levels, there are some obvious things such as a crime taking place while you’re int he same area or seeing the police chase a car down the street….and then there are the situations that are not so obvious, but are easy to figure out because they are the situations that occur around you, maybe even somehow involve you, but you still have no idea what’s really going on….something like the cops being in your neighborhood on every street, looking in cars, searching people, but nobody telling anybody what’s going on or why they need to be doing these things. I think that they probably do have a reason for all of these different things; however, it’s hard for a person to understand that when nobody will tell them what is going on or what the point of all of it?  What is the end goal?  Not knowing those things can drive a person crazy.  Not knowing who or what is going around in your neighborhood can make you look over your shoulder, not in a paranoid kind of way, but just trying to be safe and aware of everything that is around yourself.  I think that you almost have to be on alert.  I think that some people don’t know how to get off of being on alert and are there all of the time.  I’m not sure this is the healthiest way to do things, but who am I to judge that.  Sometimes just plain being tired can put you at a higher alert level, or do the exact opposite and make you not care about anything but sleep…I guess it just depends on the person.

What’s interesting is when you figure out that you were really on alert for no good reason and were really over reacting…I suppose it’s better that than to be caught off guard by something horrible, but still…it’s not a really enjoyable way to live in my opinion.  Always on your guard, always alert for the fall….

So many things can cause disappointment….small or large, it’s still effective and can build like a volcano.  Some days you’re afraid to try and do something to make up for the last disappointment because you fear more disappointment….sometimes you can’t take more disappointment in one time period.  Sometimes you order your favorite food at a restaurant because you’ve been craving it for days maybe even weeks…and then it’s screwed up.  Or you go to see a movie the day it opens because you’ve been looking forward to it since the day that you found out about that it was being made.  And then you find out that you liked the story a lot more when you read the book and pictured everything in your head.

Sometimes the little disappointments add up to the point that you can’t handle a large disappointment, or at least makes it much bigger than it would have been had you been having a good time.  Sometimes things add up and up until they are huge, other times big things come and come and it seems like you’re never going to break free of the circle of disappointment you’re never going to get out to the point that you feel like nothing will go right again.

Situations come and go, but there will be always something to disappoint…a movie, a friend, a feeling, a lie, who knows….disappointment sometimes shows up when least expected…usually when you’re just starting to feel safe and secure again.

Fairy wings flutter by your head

You gasp at the beauty of the flowers all around

Green and peaceful

The bubbling of the stream flows by

Sanctuary…

The perfumes fill the nostrils

Colorful petals hidden in the vines

Green and alive, hidden away

Safe and Secure.

Feeling safe and at peace

Calmness fills the air as you escape

Hiding for a time from reality.

It’s strange what happens when people decide to start opening up about personal issues, thoughts, feelings, etc….It’s strange at what kind of things allow different people to lower their guards and be honest with others and themselves.  Some people need others to trust in them before they will trust in that person…while others need a safe and small environment; still others sometimes only feel comfortable in front of a large crowd.  I think it’s so strange that we are all built differently to feel comfortable in different situations.  Some people have a best friend while others only really trust their family members.  I’m sure some of it is how we are raised, but I think that some of it is hardwired into us….something that we are born with and can’t help….however, I do think that it can be altered by extreme upbringings. 
So much of how we are is learned behavior…..I still believe that there are some things that we are just born with.  What makes a person trust another person, or feel comfortable in one situation, while in another situation that might even be very similar, they are withdrawn and shy….I wonder what it is that makes people feel safe and secure?

There are many different types of safety, but I think that the two most important are physical and emotional.  I think it’s the greatest feeling in the world to feel free to be yourself.  Safe in the arms of the person that you love.  Knowing that you are accepted for exactly who you are.  It’s one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.  To feel safe and secure and confident in the person that you are.  Confidence builds as you’re never put down or questioned in who you are. 

Safe Loving Arms 

Safe, Secure,

Safe in your arms

Confident in your love.

True love always there,

Loving Acceptance,

Not needing to change

Showing all of yourself

Not needing to pretend,

Not feeling alone,

Not worried of needing to fake

Always safe and loved in your Arms.

Playing it safe with people gets you nowhere except hurt feelings and loneliness.  If you never get attached to people or let them all the way in, they will eventually drift away, or leave you feeling like it doesn’t matter if they are around or not, because they don’t really know you. 

When you try to please everyone in your life, nobody ends up satisfied, including yourself…that isn’t good for anyone.  But then, who do you leave out???  I know many people pleasers and they are all  unhappy most of the time, because they spend their days trying to make everyone happy.  They do things to make the most people happy, rarely do they do anything to make themselves happy.

Now, there is obviously a thin line here, because we have too many completely selfish people in our society as well…I realize that you can’t go through life acting like an arogent jerk..well you can, but that’s not how I want to live my life…but you can’t go through life trying to please everybody in your life all the time either…Everyone loses when a person tries to stretch themselves too far.  Everyone will eventually feel neglected and detached from you. 

It’s so hard to find the balance and order the priorities in life, but it needs to be done, or you will find yourself unhappy and all of those you are trying to stretch yourself between will be unhappy or feel like something is missing as well.

Writing makes it real

Saying it makes you vulnerable

Hesitating leaves you empty

Wondering leaves you frustrated

You can only do,

And let things come as they are.

The question is if you never do and only write, in order to acknowledge happenings without opening yourself up to the world, what kind of life is that?  Is a life of no action or only safe decisions one that you want to lead?  Can writing about an experience really make it more real than the act itself?  To some people maybe.