Shining Thru

So many things can cause disappointment….small or large, it’s still effective and can build like a volcano.  Some days you’re afraid to try and do something to make up for the last disappointment because you fear more disappointment….sometimes you can’t take more disappointment in one time period.  Sometimes you order your favorite food at a restaurant because you’ve been craving it for days maybe even weeks…and then it’s screwed up.  Or you go to see a movie the day it opens because you’ve been looking forward to it since the day that you found out about that it was being made.  And then you find out that you liked the story a lot more when you read the book and pictured everything in your head.

Sometimes the little disappointments add up to the point that you can’t handle a large disappointment, or at least makes it much bigger than it would have been had you been having a good time.  Sometimes things add up and up until they are huge, other times big things come and come and it seems like you’re never going to break free of the circle of disappointment you’re never going to get out to the point that you feel like nothing will go right again.

Situations come and go, but there will be always something to disappoint…a movie, a friend, a feeling, a lie, who knows….disappointment sometimes shows up when least expected…usually when you’re just starting to feel safe and secure again.

I have written before about how people find security in a variety of things…for some people it’s a blanket, a community, a phone, locks, a relationship…it all depends on the person, but it seems to me that people don’t want to give up that security, no matter what it is….

We can see the resistance from the first moments of life in a baby’s cries, or in that of a grown woman crying nightly and staying with an abusive man because all she knows is in that relationship.  Or as I was reading today about church members not wanting to believe that the janitor murdered their own priest, even though he confessed to the act.  Not to mention that it doesn’t sound like it was just a quick act of rage, but a really bloody, violent murder where he repeatedly beat and stabbed the guy.  And yet because all of those people would have to think about a man like that being around their children at the school attached to the church and around them every week in church…they would rather just not allow themselves to believe it and live in denial. 

What is it about denial that makes some people feel so good?  I understand that venturing out can be a very risky and scary thing…but at the same time, not facing the facts can also lead to danger and heartache.  This murder for example, what if it was up to the people of that church and they simply didn’t want to believe it and let him come back to his job as janitor simply to avoid the thought that their community found in the church is not as safe and secure as they believed.  And then what if it happened again…maybe even to a child next time….

Now granted we dont’ know what motivated the murder…it sounds like there are some suspicious things that had been going on….but that’s still not a reason to take a close look at what is going on because you afraid to lose the security.

Take another look

But don’t look back

No regrets but fond memories

The time spent in the blissfulness of love

Look around the corner, not able to see around the bend

Looking for clarity but only able to replay the confusion

Knowing that the love is powerful

It will always be there, no matter what angle it’s viewed

Powerful and always there

The joy when I hear your voice

The happiness and peace that comes with your touch

Not wanting it to disappear into the foggy complications of life

Not wanting to give it up, we go on

Hand in hand, squeeze tight and let me know you’re there

Never alone, our love grows and grows

In the comfort of knowing that you care

We’re here and our love is here to stay.

Is it possible for some people to make any emotion that they experience on a regular basis into their security blanket?  Even if it is not a positive emotion, is it possible to become attached to it?  Is that why some people go after abusive relationship after abusive relationship?  Why some people don’t know what to do when a fear of theirs has been removed?…a fear that they have experienced and dealt with all of their life, suddenly gone…something like losing someone close to them, or poverty, or any number of things???

Is it possible that some people are so desperate for emotional security that they find it in any emotion available?  Can fear, anger, sadness, drama, confusion, all be used as security if they are all that are available?  I feel sorry for people who don’t get to experience, happiness and love enough to the point that they reach for something else, something negative, something that sets them up for failure….I would be scared that once you reach for those negative things as your security, you would turn down happiness even when it was placed in your lap because you would no longer know how to feel without the sadness, or fear, or whatever else you had been clinging to. 

I have met several people who don’t seem to be happy unless they have something to be unhappy about…I know it seems like a contradiction, but I know those people exist….I’m not sure how it’s justified in their minds, but I have to wonder if they have just become so accustomed to the negative that they fight against the positive.  Do they fight it because they are afraid of the positive, or because they are not use to it, or because they don’t think they deserve it, or for some reason that only they can understand?

I would hope that everyone would have something positive to cling to, but I know that unfortunately that is not always the case…as much as I may wish it was.