Shining Thru

Every feel like you’re stuck in the mud of life?  Like the invisible force is just gripping onto your wheels and they just keep spinning.  That’s a lot of effort not to see any progress forward, you can go and go for awhile, keeping hope alive that you’ll be able to get out, but sooner or later it will be apparent that this …is NOT working.  But then what?  This was the only idea you had….If you would have had a better plan, you would have tried that first…..so what happens when your plan for life gets turned around and upside down, what happens when you’re barely hanging on, and that’s just because there isn’t another option that makes any sense…no safety net to fall into, no one to run to, you’re just there on the trail that you thought was leading to your future, but is now leading no where.  You think and think about it, but only the same arguments chase each other through your mind, no solutions.  So what do you do?  Get out of the car and start walking, starting over from scratch and just hope that the next path you cross will have a better car and an easier trail, or do you go backwards, try and figure out where things went wrong, or do you struggle on the same path you’re on, but on foot, since your mode of transportation is obviously not moving?  Big decisions that have a ripple effect, into the most minute parts of your life, you wont even realize that the change will spread that far, until it does….maybe for the better, maybe for the worse.  Do you take the chance, or go on spinning your wheels?

Do you ever feel the emotions and emptiness building up inside of you and you try not to feel anything because if you do feel anything you just know that you’re going to explode.  There wont be any stopping the waterworks when they break through the flood gates; there wont be anything stopping the mind from going round and round in an  illogical tornado, upsetting your whole night.  Not able to sleep because you are trying so hard to avoid thought that it’s taking all of your efforts.  Trying not to get upset about things that haven’t even happened yet you find yourself knowing that you’re going crazy from all of  your fears and insecurities.  You just wish that someone could come and help you get a grip, to be hold and feel loved and secure.  Losing int he battle against emotions you try to take a breath and calm down, but it just keeps spiraling until you’re sitting with the Kleenex box next to the bed or couch again.   Knowing that you’re not even making any sense you try to figure out why you are losing this battle when there isn’t even anything that’s happened to you……more and more frustration mounts as you try so hard to make better decisions and eliminate the confusion and chaos, but he consequences are clear, with every choice, it all looks the same in the end.

How much would you give up for someone that you love?  Your money?  Your property?  Your time?  You life?  How much would you expect someone to sacrifice for you?  Can you really count on anyone to give up anything for you?  Are their certain people that you know without a doubt you would do absolutely anything for?  Your children?  Your siblings?  Your parents?  Your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend?  Who is it that you know you would do anything for because their happiness and well-being are more important to you then your own.  Or maybe there isn’t anyone that you feel that way about.  What would it be like to never love someone above yourself?  I feel bad for people who don’t ever get to experience that feeling because they are too self involved or too selfish to let another person get that high in their affections.  It’s really sad when you see that people who you think wouldn’t have a problem doing what’s right for the ones that they love, turn their back on them when they are in need, or go to absolute extremes, not thinking about the consequences for the very person they are trying to protect.

I was browsing the internet the other day and ran across this website http://www.donothingfor2minutes.com/ Now, what’s interesting about this website is that it exists at all.  If you go to this website, it challenges you to do nothing but relax for two minutes, and there is a clock that counts down.  I would really like to know how many times people fail before they get to the end of their two minutes.  It’s not even like the computer would know if you did things that didn’t involve the computer, but I am willing to bet that most people cannot just sit there and listen to the soothing wave soundtrack they have playing on the site for two minutes without touching the keyboard or mouse.

I really think that we have gotten to the point where we are always multitasking or on the move in our society.  I am torn between thinking that is a good thing or a bad thing.  But if you think about it, I think it is pretty true for almost everyone I know.  We are either watching tv while we work, or listening to music AND talking on the phone AND driving AND drinking coffee.    How often do we just take the time to relax, or even just do one thing at a time any more?

The question was posed, what do you wish other people understood?  My answer….

I wish people understood that teachers have a life outside of the classroom

That although they care about the students, all 140 students are not their children

I wish people understood that it is not a realistic thought

for a teacher to see a student for one class five times a week and undo 15 years of bad habits or misinformation

I wish people understood that teachers are more than a babysitter

For on a daily basis, a teacher has to play the roles of teacher, mother, father, brother, sister, friend, counselor, nurse, and police officer

I wish people understood how involved a teacher is to their child’s future

….to the future of the country.

I wish people understood that although a school is responsible for the child’s well being during the day,

the parents are still ultimately responsible for the child, and an answer like “they’re your problem until 3″ is just pathetic

I wish people understood that a good teacher doesn’t start work at 8 and leave at 3

That the day begins early to prepare and set up and the grading goes late into the night, and summer vacation without work and preparation, is a far and distant memory

I wish people understood that the disrespect you show your child at home,

or the disrespect you accept from your child at home, gets transferred to the teacher during the day

I wish people understood that a teacher often loves their job,

while not in it for the money, they still has to pay their own bills, provide for their own kids

I wish people understood that not every child comes from a rich family with plenty to eat and love to go around

and that teachers are charged with making up the difference

I wish people understood that along with the academic standards for instruction,

a teacher is also expected to develop character, morals and ethics, behavior, work ethic, etc.

I wish people understood that just because something is announced as a good idea on the news

Doesn’t make it one.

Please check out the details of the new teacher pay bill and consider if we did everyone’s job this way:  a five minute survey after a police officer gives a ticket, or how about the police officer gets docked in pay if the same person gets another ticket for the same offense.  What if we gave a public survey out on all politicians and based their pay on the results?  What if doctor’s lost 30% of their pay because someone came to them with something that simply can’t be cured?  What are we teaching with a bill like this?

I believe this will only keep good teachers away from the students who need them the most.  And it’s funny how the only suggestion they have for getting the school districts more money is to give teachers less.  http://www.wistv.com/Global/story.asp?S=14222574 It’s also interesting that they say that the pay incentive plan has not been set, but they are not saying that something has been released and circulated in the education world, here is what teachers have been said will determine their pay:

-All teachers will be paid on what they do (subject and content areas will determine your pay base)

-All Teachers will go through SAFE-T (ADEPT) every year – 4 evaluations (2 teacher and 2 administrator) – 50% of your score for pay

-Pre and post test data for your students (probably MAP 75% class growth) – 30% of your score for pay

-School collective test data – 10 % of your pay

-Professional responsibility – 5% if your pay (parents and students will be part of the evaluation process)

-Professional development measured by instructional practices – 5% of your score for pay

All of these points are outlined in the bill.  You can gain access to the whole bill at http://www.scstatehouse.gov/sess119_2011-2012/bills/3363.htm

The rose petals fall one by one leaving only the thorned handle

You grab it and it pricks the blood from you hand

You throw it but it sticks, you stomp it into the dirt

And turn to walk away but….stop, looking back, now nearly destroyed

The memories of the beautiful petals remain, the vibrant colors in your mind

The soft, perfumed beauty that the stem once held

Seeing what’s left in the dirt makes you pick it up

Feeling the blood pricked once again

Not able to put it back down

Not able to throw it away and begin again

Wishing you could watch it bloom into the beautiful flower it once was

You save it…carrying it…holding it….wishing

Funny how a picture can look so clear when developed in black and white.  No distracting colors, only angles and shapes.  Everything is so clear in black and white, no doubt about what’s what.  Very little shades of gray, just black and white.  Wouldn’t it be nice if everything in life were like one of the crisp pictures, if everything in life were this clearly cut, nothing but black and white….as it is, we are stuck wondering around in the shades of gray, some darker than others, some stretching close to white, but not quite pure and clear.  All of the things that are in the land of the in between…no clear answers, nothing that is delivered without a catch, everyone always wondering what is going to happen next, even the most carefully planned routine can be disrupted with something completely unexpected.  Walking and thinking, wishing you were in the land of the photograph.  A land of peace and clarity, but that isn’t reality, that is a dream land that is just out of reach, even in our sleep…haunted by all of the “undecisions”.  All of the choices that have been left unmade.  Waiting for another day, hoping for a day of less gray, maybe just a little more clear cut black and white.

I know that “ignorance is strength” seems like a contradiction, I mean we are taught that our power comes from our education which is true…however, if you look back at history it is always the ignorant and people of the lowest class, generally also the largest class, that are used to actually fight the wars and the revolutions.  It takes someone who is not ignorant to get plant the seed of knowledge, but when you are ignorant you allow yourself to be open to only the knowledge that someone you trust wants you to know.

This quote comes from one of my favorite books, 1984, it is an excellent book that truly shows how the people with the knowledge control the people of ignorance with that knowledge and how much of it they choose to tell those who do not know.  In the book they take away words because if you take away words, you have no way of expressing your thoughts, and if you cannot express your thoughts, you eventually will have no thoughts.  They also always provide someone for the people to hate, because in finding someone to hate outside of their society, they provide something for the people to unite in.

I think that this book is an exact guide to taking over the people of society….and if you look at a lot of these things, it’s kind of scary how much of it resembles our society today.  How easily people will believe anything they see in the news, how ready the media is to give someone to hate.  And our younger generation is taking care of the destruction of language ….. so there’s not a whole lot left except to have big brother watching and take away all privacy, which eventually eliminates the feelings between people.

If people are not free to think and feel whatever comes naturally, they are in the power of those people who are controlling their inner selves.

Never Knowing what is coming

Never Knowing where you’re going

Will it be a storm or rainbow that arises next?

Over the hill a startling shock or pleasant surprise

Life is full of things that we cannot possibly know of

Life, Love, Adventure, Heartache, Pain, and Freedom

All come with complications of this world

and the people in it.

The people that strive on emotional health

Even when that health comes from the suffering of others

Some people try so hard to stay in control, never accepting that there are things that we cannot possible dream of knowing.  I’m not sure why some people are so determined to know everything, have a list and a label for everything.  A place for everything, and everything in it’s place….and yet this is exactly what causes them so much pain and confusion when something goes wrong or unexpected.  The complications of this life have to be taken, chalked up to experience and allow the people to keep on movin.  No need to stop and dwell, what’s done is done, and can never be undone.  The experiences of this life, weigh heavily on our emotions and feelings, not to mention, if we allow, can over take our thoughts throughout the other every day events that we still have to make it through, no matter what has happened.  We can’t know what curve balls are going to be thrown at us, but we can deal with it and move on.  It’s amazing how these things can happen to us in both positive and negative ways.  If something bad can happen it can over take our thoughts and feelings, however, I think we sometimes forget that just as easily we can be consumed by passion and love and good surprises as well.

It’s amazing how tired you can get just from every day life.  I see people running from here to there with their children, have gooey, jelly finger prints on their back from where they carried their baby into the daycare that morning.  Tired circles under every one’s eyes, moving a long, up early from children, chores, or driving to work, gotta get there early and keep it moving.  It’s something our society has trained us as important….or at least with some people.  Some people don’t have a choice, they have to line everything up right and hope that nothing goes wrong, because one thing can throw their whole routine and therefore their whole day off.  The routines of our lives wear on us, bearing down the reality of life and responsibility.  It’s kind of funny when you’re little, very few children ever realize what kind of things their parents have to consider just to make the household work.  You can’t wait to grow up and be one of the adults and then we you become an adult, you long for the days that you could take a nap in the middle of the day and not have to worry about what chores and other things aren’t getting done in the meantime.
Being an adult and having to deal with everything that comes the way of your house or your job, no matter if you are directly involved or not…it is still something you have to deal with.  All of the decisions of every day life start to wear on you until you are distracted from the things that you like to do and enjoy about life because you are too caught up doing the different things that have to be done, and every time you cross one thing off of the list it seems like three more things get added.
It seems like there is just too much to do and not enough time to do it in, especially if you want any kind of social life, or just down time to relax.  In today’s society, I don’t know how some people balance everything that they are a part of along with the regular house chores and family life.  Some of these people have every family member in their household as a member or participant of three, four, five different things…plus school, work, church, etc.  That just seems crazy to me.  It’s hard enough for a single person to have a social life and keep up with work, much less someone with children.
As we move through life, growing up and figuring out that there are many more responsibilities than I ever thought possible as a little kid.  I didn’t realize at the time why parents worked long hours or multiple jobs.  So much is based around money and you have to have a side hustle just to make ends meet.
I have to wonder why we work so hard just to keep afloat in life, but we don’t really have a choice, or at least not options that most of us would choose when it comes down to working hard or being homeless…just just keep it moving and make the sacrifices on the personal level.